A lot of people know that POPPORN has a bit of an affiliation with a certain adult video retailer, so we always enjoy it when you purchase your high-quality (or shit-ass scummy) porn flicks from them. That's obvious. I just thought that I should mention that before I talk a little bit about recent remarks from the CEO of Private Media, the European porn empire known for lots of righteous anal sex and frequent appearances from Tarra White (who I happen to like a whole freaking lot). See, though it sounds odd coming from the CEO of a major adult film producer, Private's CEO is publicly suggesting that the public illegally downloads their material and whack off to it. Weird, no?

Hey, what the fuck, HBO? I thought we were tight! And now you’re stealing our idea? Fuuuuuuuuuck that shit, man!

A lot of people seem to have some pretty strong feelings about Wicked Pictures these days, at least in the arena of the serious porn fanatic. Especially now that they’re gonna start doing…ugh…parodies.

You guys know Laurence Fishburne, right? He's a somewhat acclaimed actor. You know who I mean? He played Cowboy Curtis on Pee-Wee's Playhouse, Morpheus in the Matrix Trilogy and some guy in that new Predators movie.

Well, he used to be known as Larry Fishburne, not Laurence Fishburne. I'm not one hundred percent certain when this change in persona occurred. If memory serves, it was around the time he starred alongside Angela Bassett in the Ike & Tina Turner biopic What's Love Got to Do With It?, but I can't be entirely certain of that. He might have changed his moniker when he took on the role of Jason "Furious" Styles in John Singleton's Boyz N The Hood. I'm sure a simple imdb or wikipedia search could clear this all up pretty easily, but I sort of prefer to rack my brain about it a bit.

Whatever. The point is, Larry Fishburne's daughter just started doing porn for some reason!

Them dudes from the Reno 911 TV show sure are ultimate bastions of comedy, if you ask me. A lot of folks, when faced with a pornographic spoof of their own work, would snidely turn their noses upwards and maybe utter a "well, I never" or something of the sort towards the smut. Even barring that, there's few mainstream personalities that I've seen openly embracing the sexed-up version of themselves, much less in a public forum. But that's why I like the Reno 911 crew so much. Them dudes went so far as to actually hold a public screening of the movie, boasting their x-rated lookalikes' exploits with the greatest candor!

Part of me can’t believe that it hasn’t been done yet. Part of me remembers that it already sort-of has been done, five years ago or so. Part of me wants to believe that it will be good. But mostly, I just wanna say fuckin’ FUCK YOU to Axel Braun’s new Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Why, when I love Star Wars so much and love watching people fuck so much? Eat shit, that’s why.

Here's something you don't hear every day. Milton Berle, known to most as the host of Ballantine Ale's Three Ring Time variety show, has been named CEO of Private Media Group. Who woulda thunk it? I'd planned to throw in some Milton Berle-style comedy zinger along the lines of "top of the world, ma" or something like that, but I actually don't know any famous Berle lines. For shame. Anyway, he's a porn czar now. He's succeeding Ilan Bunimovitz, who held the CEO role since April 2009, when he stepped in to replace, uh, Milton Berle, apparently. Turns out Berle was in charge of the company from it's humble beginnings back in 1991 as a publisher of just one pornographic magazine all the way up until last year, at which point Private was the jizzed-out porn megamonster that it is now.

If there's one thing we love around here, it's Playboy. Sure, we work in the adult profession where men and women strip down to their birthing costumes and proceed to insert not only each other but random objects into the numerous orifices contained within the human anatomy. This is done in an attempt to generate some amount of secretion that, in theory, should lead to pro-creation but due to scientific advancements in hormonal control and the occasional abortion, is simply induced for the pure joy of seeing someone get, "cummed up."

Frankly, we love every minute of it.

Hey, do you get off on seeing people get spanked? Or, actually, to watch people spank themselves? I sure don't.

Of course, if you're one of those people unlike me (and there are a lot of you from what I can gather), maybe you should check out iSpankMyself.com. It's a website where somebody spanks themselves for some reason! They offer high-quality downloads, big-ass high res photos, and something they call "hands-free slide shows". And they're offering it all for an introductory offer of...$19.99 a month???

Hey, Hustler just signed a big-time contract with Paul Thomas!

Paul Thomas, as you know, is somewhat of a legend in the adult film business. He's been making porn longer than a lot of you have been alive. He's appeared in over 500 porno films and directed over 300 of them. He's been named best director by AVN and XRCO several times and is a member of both organizations' halls of fame. Conversely, he's often been referred to by the POPPORN staff as the creator of many of porn's biggest snoozers of recent years. Sorry, we just find his stuff sort of boring, for the most part. I loved his work when I was first getting into porn, mostly because it had people fucking in it, and that was something I liked to watch, in whatever capacity I could get it. These days, being somewhat immersed in the sex-on-camera biz, his stuff doesn't quite do it for me. But hey, opinions are like assholes. Somebody's certainly loving Paul's work, and it's got to still be bringing in the big bucks. Why else would LFP video form a hot-shit six-picture partnership with the guy?

I guess that, perhaps, I ought to come clean right off the bat.

Lee Roy never said that New Sensations should "suck it". I made that part up. That's a trick of the trade in the news media business. It's a way to get people reading. You gotta shock them with the headline. Like way back a hundred years ago or so when that newspaper printed that headline about Dewey beating Truman. It was an attention grabber. So if anybody from New Sensations is reading this, I apologize if you had any hurt feelings or anything from the headline. Still, you just lost the talents of Lee Roy Myers, the premier spoof-man in the porn industry. So that's gotta be a drag.

Hey, do you like fucking? Yeah? How about money? Do you like money? Would you like to win a thousand bucks? Would you like to win it by fucking? Sounds great, right? Getting fucked and winning money? Sounds pretty fucking boss!

Now heck, this thing happened, like, a whole week ago. Maybe even longer. I can't keep track of dates. The point is, given our society's ever-increasing appetite for knowledge, this might come to some as old news. But then again, maybe not. So shit, let's report a story about Dale Dabone!

Hey, porn producers! Is anybody out there currently writing or planning a movie involving well-groomed and immensely handsome male policeman? If so, you’re probably going to want to consider casting Jack Lawrence in your flick. Why? Well for one thing, he’s a fuck of a nice guy. He’s one of the only performers I met during my one-and-only trip to Las Vegas that didn’t end up punching, suing, or puking on me, which counts for a lot. He’s also, as I mentioned, immensely handsome. Seriously, just look at the guy. Last but most certainly not least, he owns his own police car, which he more-or-less built himself for use in the myriad of adult films in which he plays a policeman lately.

We're not entirely huge fans of stereotypes and generalizations around here. Especially when it involves sexual preferences. We've got a pretty tolerant, fair fucks (or "far fucks", if you will) type of attitude towards nearly any sexual practice you can think of. So when we bring you news like this, in which we repeatedly point out how gay those dudes from the Jersey Shore show appear to be, please don't think we mean it in any sort of derogatory way.