Let us just say that another wonderful holiday has come 'round again. One that you may or may not be into. Thus, my first sentence back there might or might not be sarcasm. One never can tell. With that in mind, we'll see ya next week.
We're in the midst of editing our next movie, How To Be a Ladies Man so you'll be getting a lot of updates about it in December. But nonetheless...let the turkey attack begin...
Okay...its no surprise that as we go further and further down the road of pornographically-enhanced television spoofs, the quality's starting to suffer. It seems as though each of these porno studios is in such a hurry to spoof each property before the competition can get ahold of it that they, possibly, may decide to forgo some key elements of a story. Take Hustler's Everybody Loves Lucy, for example. The thing's not even in color!
First rule of modern moviemaking, Hustler. If it ain't an art film, color that fuckin' shit up. And, make no mistake, Everybody Loves Lucy ain't no mothershittin' art film (though no one can deny that there is a certain aesthetic glory in the erotic contortions of Audrey Hollander's nether regions).
I've got no problem ranting and raving about the porn I think is worth watching, the comics I think are above reproach or the TV shows I think deserve the highest accolades (those three top spots belonging to the Happy Days spoof, From Hell and The Wire, respectively), but for some reason, I always feel like holding my tongue when it comes to music.
Before we start, I gotta say, I get real pissed off when I see somebody other than Lisa Ann trying to take the mantle of pornography's Sarah Palin. Maybe it's because Lisa did it first. Maybe it's because she hails from the Lehigh Valley (like much of the POPPORN staff). I couldn't say for sure, but those other fuckers better knock it the fuck off quick. That's all.
Oh, yeah - we have a new Tom Byron video for you fuckaz!
Here's the thing. Dancing is a tough business. It's not something you can just learn, it's an art that you either have skillz with or get played by...sadly, as human beings we're interested in the good and the bad.
Case in point...
God damn it, we just fuckin' love Penny Flame around here.
She's sweet, she's friendly, she's a jokester of the highest caliber, she's goddamn awesome at pornographic film, and she's not easily annoyed by the antics of fools like us. It was hard to face the fact that she was getting out of the adult industry, but fuck it man, that's where she's at right now, and we wish her well.
Alright, even though you should totally go watch this review and enjoy the fuck out of it, I'll tell you right now, Pornstar Tweet fuckin' suuuuuuuuucks. It's just about the lowest-possible quality porn that you can get, and that's really saying something. It's the kind of movie that makes you feel like an asshole for watching it, and that goes double if you're already an asshole, like we are!
I had thought that Teagan hated the fuck out of us after meeting BUCKTON a few months bacl (who wouldn't?), but it turns out that I must have been mistaken. Either that, or she's a professional who will do whatever it takes to get publicity (including hanging with dipshits like us). Couldn't say for sure, but who cares? All that matters is that we were able to get the esteemed Madame Presley (no relation to Elvis) back on our site, and fucking bonus - she brought Eva Angelina and Sunny Leone with her!
BUCKTON caught up with these fine-ass dames a little while back, right before they hit the stage at Club Risque, Philly's premiere zoob-flashin' nightclub. After the show, he did a ton of blow and got beat up by an off-duty cop during a scuffle at one of those inner-city dog-fighting places! Who knew?
Okay, groovers...as promised on Tuesday (or threatened, depending on how you look at it), we're back with part 2 of BUCKTON and Ball's review of what's sure to be remembered as Brad Armstrong's magnum opus, the futuristic thrill ride of fuck known as 2040. It's nearly awards season, and you can bet your goddamn fuckin' ass that this thing's gonna be scoopin' up a shitload of them shits. Guran-fuckin-teed. Not that I have any insider info on the AVN awards or anything. If I did, I'd rig that shit so we won everything, you know?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Any of you groovetastic motherfuckers had the chance to check out 2040 yet? We gotta tell you. Though we love the fuck out of just about everybody at Wicked Pictures (both in front of the camera and behind), we haven't always counted their films among the greatest smut tht porn valley has to offer. Mostly it's because we're full-fledged soulless scumbags and their stuff can tend to be a little bit on the tame side sometimes. Plus, we usually don't really get down with condom porn. You know how it is.
Once again, Mr. Mike Quasar surprised us with a promotional video for the upcoming film, KAGNEY LINN KARTER: SUPERHERO SEX THERAPIST. It looks like a hot little number from 3rd Degree that streets in December.
What up, dickheads? Just kidding. You trickstaz aren't dickheads. If you were, would we be sharing this new nugget of wisdom from dear old Tom Byron with you? Fuck no, we wouldn't!
Groove on this shit! Tom's hanging with fan-favorite pornographer Sadie West, who you may remember from that time that BUCKTON tried to bang her but kept getting CB'd by the ghost of Ashlynn Brooke (who he had previously killed. Whoops.). You might also remember her from that time we interviewed her last year, back when she was just getting into the porno biz. She's a super lady and we're god damn happy as shit to have her back on the site.
Okay. Full disclosure. This video has nothing to do with abortion. Breathe easy, everybody.
Instead, BUCKTON managed to snag a few minutes with POPPORN's very favorite tattooed provocateur, Joanna Angel (as well as Misti Dawn, who ain't too bad either). The topics of conversation ranged from whether or not Joanna and James Deen are cheating on each other, whether or not it's easy to get fucked against a wall, and...uh...well, that might be about it. Sorry, we have a very limited grasp on the fine art of conversation, in case you hadn't noticed.
It's video time again. we thought today we'd spend a few quality moments with a young woman named Isis Taylor. Perhaps you've seen her sexual antics in quality films like Poolside Pussy or, uh, Pound The Round? Man, she's purty, huh? The kind of purty that makes dudes like us nervous and sweaty, you know?
Hey, it's Thursday! That means it's new video day, even though there have been a friggin' plethora of video-less thursdays lately. I know. We've been falling behind. I know. But fuck, man, we got a new video today, and this one's such a goddamn assault on your senses that your fuckin' eyes might burst. And then, after they've burst, blood, puss and cum may very well flow outward from your recently-ravaged ocular cavities! It's gonna be fuckin' nasty!
Seriously. Wear goggles.