Yes, POPPORN was created to bring levity to the overly dramatic world of the "Adult Entertainment Industry" (God, even the name drips Speilberg!) but our plan all along has been to, in some way, infiltrate the industry's upper echelon of decision makers and deliver a new, revolutionary perspective to a geriatric industry riddled with liver spots.
Hey, the Lebowski spoof came out! And we watched it! And it was pretty good! And we made a short video of us talking about it! Hey!
Bangs sent me an email a few days ago containing two email addresses. One of them was for up-and-coming porn starlet Katie St. Ives. The other was well-known porn star Marie Luv. Both are great people from what I hear. Both are terribly friendly. Both are goddamn killer performers. Just take a look at Katie's performance in Digital Sin's recent gangbang extravaganza Bang Bang Bang for proof of that. So Bangs wanted an interview.
You know, it was only seven years ago that I was an unemployed college graduate, smoking tons and tons of weed, and not really knowing anything about porno other than the fact that it usually featured images of people fucking that I could use to masturbate to. Who knew that less than a decade later I'd not only work in the porno business, but actually be somehow connected to a movie that would somehow find itself up for a handful of the porn world's most noteworthy (as far as I know) awards?
Okay, groovers...as promised on Tuesday (or threatened, depending on how you look at it), we're back with part 2 of BUCKTON and Ball's review of what's sure to be remembered as Brad Armstrong's magnum opus, the futuristic thrill ride of fuck known as 2040. It's nearly awards season, and you can bet your goddamn fuckin' ass that this thing's gonna be scoopin' up a shitload of them shits. Guran-fuckin-teed. Not that I have any insider info on the AVN awards or anything. If I did, I'd rig that shit so we won everything, you know?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Any of you groovetastic motherfuckers had the chance to check out 2040 yet? We gotta tell you. Though we love the fuck out of just about everybody at Wicked Pictures (both in front of the camera and behind), we haven't always counted their films among the greatest smut tht porn valley has to offer. Mostly it's because we're full-fledged soulless scumbags and their stuff can tend to be a little bit on the tame side sometimes. Plus, we usually don't really get down with condom porn. You know how it is.
Good groovins to you mothershitters on this fine Thursday afternoon.
You guys remember that bitch-ass awesome party we had about a month ago with Gianna Michaels, our bitch-ass awesome guest of honor, to celebrate the release of our bitch-ass awesome porno movie? Sure you do. We hyped the fuck out of it on our site, and then Gianna hyped the fuck out of it on the Howard Stern show? Surely you remember.
No? Well, don't fret, fuckaz. It ain't no BFD, because we were taping the fuckin' thing!
Okay. One thing you may or may not know about me. I am an Opera lover. I go to the opera every chance I get. It's the reason I'm so poor. Statler-and-Waldorf-style tickets for The Rape of Lucretia don't come cheap. if I'm not stuck behind an editing deck staring at Lexi Belle's vagina (or on my knees next to a South Philly bed staring at a local prostitute's significantly meatier vagina), I'm watching some fat fucker belt out one of the classics, and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm even a fairly talented singer. In fact, from time to time, I've spent six-week stretches teaching vocal technique to small groups of teenagers. Naturally, they don't know about my rather "blue" alter-ego, so you can imagine what a surprise it was to find nude photos of a former student in my inbox this morning..
Hey fuckaz! MEAT BALL's back! It's been a while since MEAT showed his face in front of the camera, but we had to do a new review, and no one even remotely attractive was interested in taking part. So this was how it had to be. Besides, MEAT's zoobs are pretty big, and if we know one thing about our audience, it's that they love the fuck out of a good zoob.
Hey, they announced the Oscar nominations today! That means award season is in full-fuckin' effect, even if all the relevant awards have already been given out. We're talking about awards like the Golden Globes, the U.S. Presidency, the AVNs, and of course...the one award that makes all other awards look like a steaming pile of cummed-upon horseshit...THE POPPORN.COM PREMIUM FUCK MAKER AWARD!
I just read that Amsterdam is planning to shut down half of the brothels in its world famous red-light district. This is particularly awful news for MEAT BALL (who loves talkin' in the third person), because I've already made plans for a mid-March Dutch vacation, in which I planned to sample at least 12 prostitutes a day.
How would I afford it? Easy - I blackmailed a dude!
Okay, so a new sex toy showed up on my desk and I thought I'd take it home and review the fuck out of it, which would also involve fucking the fuck out of it. What I didn't know was that I didn't even need to fuck the fuck out of it, because it fucked the fuck out of me first!
Let me explain.
Great goblins, if you're looking for one goddamn impressive piece of hardware to stick your ween deep inside, look no further than the Fleshlight.
Soft? Yup. Tight? Yuh-huh. Realistic? You fuckin' bet your ass it is. If it had a little bit of pubis garninshing the hole, I would've thought it was the real thing. You know, if not for the fact that it comes inside a case that looks like one of those real-deal flashlights that cops use. I didn't even realize that I was attracted to lighting equipment until now, and the Fleshlight is far and away, the greatest motherfucking t thing I've ever stuck my wang inside. That includes cheap-o strokers, high-class synthetic vadges and even one or two real-life women. Granted, I've never been with a non-chancred woman, so I can't say for sure that this toy is better than the real thing, but goddamnit if it ain't close.
Fuck! We missed Kimberly Kane's birthday! It was yesterday, and we had big plans to celebrate her day in style, just like she would have wanted.
Maybe there's a part of us that was still pissed off at her for betraying us the way she did. In fact, we're definitely still pissed. Fuck her, man.
Anyway, happy birthday, dear. We're truly sorry that it's so late. But you shouldn't have broken our hearts.