I just read that Amsterdam is planning to shut down half of the brothels in its world famous red-light district. This is particularly awful news for MEAT BALL (who loves talkin' in the third person), because I've already made plans for a mid-March Dutch vacation, in which I planned to sample at least 12 prostitutes a day.

How would I afford it? Easy - I blackmailed a dude!

Okay, so a new sex toy showed up on my desk and I thought I'd take it home and review the fuck out of it, which would also involve fucking the fuck out of it. What I didn't know was that I didn't even need to fuck the fuck out of it, because it fucked the fuck out of me first!

Let me explain.

Great goblins, if you're looking for one goddamn impressive piece of hardware to stick your ween deep inside, look no further than the Fleshlight.

Soft? Yup. Tight? Yuh-huh. Realistic? You fuckin' bet your ass it is. If it had a little bit of pubis garninshing the hole, I would've thought it was the real thing. You know, if not for the fact that it comes inside a case that looks like one of those real-deal flashlights that cops use. I didn't even realize that I was attracted to lighting equipment until now, and the Fleshlight is far and away, the greatest motherfucking t thing I've ever stuck my wang inside. That includes cheap-o strokers, high-class synthetic vadges and even one or two real-life women. Granted, I've never been with a non-chancred woman, so I can't say for sure that this toy is better than the real thing, but goddamnit if it ain't close.

Fuck! We missed Kimberly Kane's birthday! It was yesterday, and we had big plans to celebrate her day in style, just like she would have wanted.

Maybe there's a part of us that was still pissed off at her for betraying us the way she did. In fact, we're definitely still pissed. Fuck her, man.

Anyway, happy birthday, dear. We're truly sorry that it's so late. But you shouldn't have broken our hearts.

Hey fuckaz!

It's been a good run, but we've finally milked the footage from our porn star party weekend for all it was worth. But fuck us if it wasn't worth a hell of a lot.

Finishing up this maverick series of internet films is the always enthralling Kaylani Lei, who joined us for a review of her recent film, Carpool. Not the Carpool with Tom Arnold, sadly. That shit RULED.

Stop right there, you motherfuckers! Before you watch this brilliant piece of guerrilla-style, avant-garde, groundbreaking, art-house, porn-laced cinema, you gotta drag your ass back and watch part one!

In part two of THE PORNOGRAPHASMIC PHILADELPHAZATRONIC POPPORNOMATIC EXPERIENCE, Spock and Meat are fed the fuck up with these west coast smut stars and their hifalutin' 'tudes. These fuckers have no goddamn work ethic, as you'll see when Spock and Meat force the big-time stars to ship porno in our warehouse!

So, you've heard us mention that ridiculously sick party weekend of ours, right? The one with all the big-shot porno stars? The one that a lot of you were smart enough to attend, but some of you (we're lookin' at you, Dave Moves) didn't because you don't have any sense in your fucked-up skulls?

Well, regarding that weekend...

TGIF, bizzos!

Yiz'all ready for yet another round of our celebrity movie reviews? We sure fuckin' hope so, because otherwise we conned Alektra Blue into talking about her awesome interactive sex movie for nothing, and that would be a crying fucking shame.

Hey fuckaz!

Have you seen the recent New Sensations hit, Ashlynn Goes to College? We saw it, and we thought it was a pretty breathtaking piece of adult cinema (also called "peoplefuckin' movies"). It's got it all - comedy, top-of-the-line fuckin', and a dude who looks a lot like Walter Matthau.

Stop right there!

If you ain't watched part one yet, get the fuckin' fuck back there and see what your sorry ass missed. This thing ain't gonna make sense without it!

Of course, truth be told, it probably won't make all that much sense either way. But we got Spock going incognito, MEAT BALL puking, a couple of nice zoobatroggin' titzahs and some of the bitchinest comedy in town.

Dig this shit, fuckaz! It's none other than the biggest all-lowercase name in the business, jessica drake!

It turns out that jessica didn't read the fine print on the model release she signed for us a little while back, and as such, she's stuck shooting the shit in a room without air conditioning with none other than the two scummiest dudes in Philly (next to Bangs, of course).

Ever wonder what the ladies of POPPORN do when they're not doing shirtless porno reviews with Monsieur BUCKTON? We wondered, too. Especially after BUCKTON overheard some plans for a booze-fueled, pill-poppin' all-girl party.

It turns out that these girls spend their leisure time doing exactly what you'd imagine they'd be doing: drinking, smoking weed, lounging in lingerie, watching porno, making out, and occasionally discussing the early works of Werner Herzog (though that particular discussion was far too hardcore for our site. Gapes aplenty...).

Alright, fuckaz. Here comes the second installment of POPPORN's boozed-up dance party at National Mechanics, and while part one was a spectacle to behold, part two clearly makes part one look like a pile of shit with piss inside it, and maybe some boogs or something on top of it.

Okay. Let's say that Alektra Blue, jessica drake, Kaylani Lei, Courtney Cummz, Ashlynn Brooke and Jack Napier all humbled themselves enough to spend their Saturday night partying with POPPORN's resident scumbags. Can you guess which one of them ended up pissing on the wall?

Okay, the bad news? We don't have any zoobs to show you in today's video. The other bad news? In lieu of zoobatronic ladies, MEAT BALL is sitting in with BUCKTON for today's video. The even worse than that news? This week's pick, Big Sausage Pizza 17 was what may be the worst piece of non-boner-inducing bullcrap we've seen in quite some time.