So...while the bulk of the POPPORN staff is grooving out in Vegas, most likely auctioning off their private parts to a plethora of A-list pornographers (not to mention scoring a shitload of that awesome Vegas meth), a few of us are still here at the offices, without a whole lot to do but rub our nutsacks on BUCKTON and Bangs' desks, smoke Double D's weed and groove out to the newest batch of advice from Tom Byron. He's got Penny Flame helping him out, too. Which is pretty righteous in and of itself.

Well, folks...we're just about done with 2008. Not much left to do but booze up our bellies and hit the streets looking for somebody even more boozed-up than us who enjoys blowing scummy porno-blog contributors. But before we do that, we found a way to cram one more advice column from the undisputed king of ought-eight, Tom Byron.

Tom finally answered Rampo's letter! Fuckin' A!

Rampo, if you don't know, is easily the biggest Tom Byron fan in the history of Byron-fandom. He's seen every movie, memorized every line, and re-enacted every scene on VHS tape (each of which has been carefully packed and mailed to the POPPORN offices. No shit.).

Before you start your holiday bender (we assume everyone drinks heavily from 6:30 Tuesday evening night until noon on Monday, like we do), take a minute to appreciate the shittier things, like a new lesson in livin' from Tom Byron!

Byron's back to fuck up your life with his bad ideas! And Aurora Snow's with him!

It's been, what, a week or so since the last installment of shitty advice? We gotta say, we've made it a point here at POPPORN to follow Tom's suggestions to a T, and we gotta say...our lives have been fucked up tremendously as a result. This is some truly bullshit advice, man.

What a week. A new president and a new piece of shitty advice! Everything's comin' up roses for you shitheads, isn't it? Fuck, did we just refer to you assholes as shitheads? Sorry, we're still fuckin' hammered from Tuesday's big election-night-booze-and-coke shindig (now going on hour 39!), so we're a little giddy.

Get your listening ears on, because Tom Byron's back for another round of the world's worst/best advice. This week, Tom's got a little help from Carolyn Reese, who's got some pretty awesome zoobs, in case you didn't know.

Byron's back, and his advice sucks! Actually, we're totally kidding. After this video, we're thinking of re-naming the column, "Awesome Advice From Tom Byron", because he actually dishes out some pretty spectacular answers this week.

Tom Byron has offered his awful advice to you faithful viewers many times, and always with a well-known industry pro sitting on his lap. We've seen advice from Stephanie Swift, Jenna Haze, Shayla LaVeaux and even Nina Hartley. But today, Tom's bringing you something new, and her name is Mina Leigh.

It's been over a week since your last serving of shitty advice, and you've gotta be hurting (unless you've been getting shitty advice from some secret confidant on the side, in which case you ought to be ashamed of yourself). Besides, no matter how awful the advice you get from some asshole on the street, it couldn't be anywhere near as shitty as the advice you'll get from the Lord of Ass.

Get it? Lord of Ass? Shitty??

Ahhh, these babies are wasted on you fuckers.

Tom Byron's back and he's got nothin' good to tell you. It's not like we can blame the guy too much. Would you be able to give decent advice if you had Jenna Haze sitting on your lap and constantly reminding you that she wants your cum in her stomach?

Good god, that woman's fucking gorgeous.

Put your listening ears on, motherfuckers, because it's time for another installment of "Shitty Advice From Tom Byron", the advice column that makes Dear Abby look like a pile of puke and makes Savage Love look like the yellow cum that shoots out of our wangs (remind us to ask Tom about that in a future episode).

You know how we know that we've made it? How we know our journey to the pinnacle of stardom was been a success? How we know that we are truly, absolutely, 100% on top of the fucking world? Because we're hanging out at Tom Fucking Byron's house. That's how we know.

That's right, motherfuckers! It's time for another round of life lessons from porno's premier assmaster, Mr. Tom Byron! Joining Tommy at the help desk this week is none other than MEAT BALL's very favorite veteran starlet of the screen, Stephanie Swift, who is still looking as goddamn fuckable as ever.

Well, it took a little longer than we had anticipated, but like all good things, the first episode of POPPORN's "Shitty Advice from Tom Byron" is well worth the wait.

As any of you worth your salt are already aware, Tom Byron is nothing short of a legend in the adult entertainment industry. he's seen it all, done it all, fucked it all and, most importantly, had his bunghole licked by just about every pretty face under the sun. Needless to say, the man's learned quite a bit over the years, and being the good samaritan that he is, Lord Byron's sharing some of that wisdom with the rest of us.