( Ed. Note - Peter Warren crawled out from the crawl space today in honor of Ms. Kagney Linn Karter. See, it's her birthday today (all day) and he penned a special birthday poem just for her. Take it away, Peter!)

Hey peoples! I just read this awesome article on the website I work for, AVN.com, about how pornography is all good for society and shit, and thought I’d share a few of my own thoughts about this topic, since I know you all love the pornos as much as I do, and will surely agree with me.

Well, it's been a good long time since I've contributed anything to this porno site that isn't the one I work for every day, which you may know as AVN.com. That's either because I'm a deadbeat, as Mr. Bangs of this site has called me, or because I've been drowned for months in work at my real job having to do with that thing in Vegas we put on a couple weeks back.

Hey suckaz...the always enchanting Peter Warren dropped this bitch-ass awesome vid into our inboxes earlier this week. We thought you may enjoy it. We can't say for sure if this is a one-off project, or an ongoing experiment in awesomeness. Only time will tell.

So, without further ado...

Scrogtails With Joanna Angel & Andy San Dimas

Welcome to Scrogtails, a new forum conceived and moderated by the illustrious Peter "Wetscrog Rex" Warren.

Are you listening to the Adam Carolla Podcast? If not — especially given your present reading of a porn site — you should just give yourself a nice, swift kick to the head right now. Go on, I’ll wait.

OK, now make sure immediately after this that you head directly to iTunes and start listening. Because it’s funny. And he talks about porn...a lot. And in extremely graphic detail.

The Fans of Adult Media and Entertainment (F.A.M.E.) Awards — or as I believe it truly to stand for, Fingerers And Meatflogging Enthusiasts — took place recently, and if anybody noticed a sad, despondent look on the face of poor Dane Cross, that was because of the heartbreak he suffered in his experience attempting to escort his beautiful girlfriend, our own Faye Reagan, down the red carpet.

I can't deny it - I'm been in a rut. My mind is too occupied by too many things, and this has caused somewhat of a mental constipation with the creative juice flowing and such. Maybe something is in the air here in Porn Valley - aside from but not excluding the Swine Flu - because I know I'm not alone in this. My dear friend Joanna Angel has likewise been struggling to squeeze out the script for her next big porn spoof epic, L.A. Pink. Oh, the agony we porn scribes endure for our art!

One evening last week, I got invited to go with Belladonna and her hubby Aiden down to this sweet little cabaret joint in Hollywood to see their friend Terra Naomi sing. It was pretty bitchin'. Kimberly Kane was there, too. And James Gunn (the dude who makes those "PG Porn" skits and also wrote the Dawn of the Dead remake, which classifies him as kind of a mini-god). He was there because Terra Naomi is his girlfriend. I'm somewhat sure.

Dear Ladies,

I was cruising around the "Women Seeking Women" section of Craigslist (because I'm just that desperate for any hint of girl-on-girl action I can get, really), and I was suddenly struck by a stunning realization: with these chicks, there's no b.s. — they cut right through all the malarkey and get straight on down to exactly what they're REALLY after.

Tuesday night I hit ye olde Porn Star Karaoke for the first time in many moons. According to Rising Star PR guy Acme Andersson, who was attending for his first time EVER (you hermit you) along with partner Devan Cypher, the LA Times hailed it as the “Greatest PSK EVER!” and the Washington Times wrote, “We can all kill ourselves now. Civilization has peaked.” I have not checked for confirmation of these quotes, nor do I intend to, because everything Acme says is sacrosanct fact in my book.

Once asked how she met me, Stoya (you know, the Digital Playground chick who just became AVN's Best New Starlet and shows her face around here sometimes) told the inquiring person, "I got naked in his house."

This is entirely true. She had neon-blue hair and crisscross nipple bars back then, but she otherwise looked exactly the same unclothed. Which I know because that's the state she was in when we met. At my house. And you don't really forget a thing like that, do you? I cannot divulge much about WHY there happened to be a naked Stoya who I'd never previously met in my house just then, but that's the story, and I'm sticking to it.

Here's the deal: Jenna Haze had a birthday the weekend before last, and it kind of got overlooked in the whirlwind of global economic deterioration, the Oscars, the travails of the Octomom and other weighty world issues.

...Or How Pete Warren Almost Crushed the Director and Star of 'Slumdog Millionaire' Like Gumby People

by Peter "Wetscrog Rex" Warren

First off, hi there, POPPORN.com frequenters. Nice to make your acquaintance. All right, enough with the formalities, let's get on with this.