Brian Street Team is dead. Killed by a falling Wurlitzer jukebox, dopped from a nearby window by some clumsy movers while Brian happened to be strutting along underneath unaware of the danger capriciously teetering above his head. Citizens rushed to his aid, but were too late as the impact of the organ crushed Street Team's body almost entirely, with the exception of his left arm, which somehow avoided impact. In his left hand was his iPhone, which is said to have been in the process of googling the historic 1981 SNL performance by the legendary punk outfit Fear, which may have caused a momentarily lapse in awareness that sadly, prevented the rising pornographic star from noticing the vintage musical novelty careening towards him.
A recent press release from the industry's reigning press releasing champions, Digital Playground, alerted me to this little thinkpiece on CNBC about the folks they figure to be The Power Brokers of the Porn Industry. Needless to say, I clicked the fuck outta that link because I wanted to see if I was on it. I figure being the industry's most untrustworthy faux-writer, next to that Luke guy who came back, I'd naturally be one of the most powerful assholes in the biz. But it turned out I was wrong. Not only was I not on there, but neither were Bangs or BUCKTON. This wasn't entirely surprising, as we're not exactly powerful people in any sense of the word. So it was no big whoop.
But when I read through the piece and looked at their handpicked "power brokers", I started to get a little anxious. By the time I got to name number nine on the list of fifteen, the sad reality of the situation was sinking in: Brian Street Team was not going to be on this list.
For shame, CNBC.
Parodies seem to be all the rage in porno for the last year or so. I guess it's just helping all you creepy fucks live out your fantasy of spraying your man cheese all over Marsha Brady or maybe you're into dumping some knuckle children in Lindsay Lohan's bright red snapper, which by the way you can do to POPPORN's newest fuck story TMSleaze. Well I was lucky enough to participate in a XXX parody extravaganza this past summer with Joanna Angel and her latest big feature LA Pink. It's a heart warming tale about a tattoo shop owner and her struggles with corporate fat cats, relationships and uhhh frozen pizza? Anyway I was there and was the receiver of what was called, "The best blow job scene I've ever seen" (a direct quote from the legend himself, Sean Michaels).
Hey he said it not me.
I was cruising around the west coasts largest porno convention EroticaLA with my boy James Deen. We were partaking in some beverages and seeing how many girls we could get to make out with me. We were quite successful in both missions; beverages were consumed and making out happened with several nice young ladies (and one kind of really old one but I don't care about age it was still rad).
I have been accused a time or two of being one crafty son of a bitch. I seem to have the ability to find things other people can't, get to places in record time or even find an entire group of fuck makers (producers, performers, camera guys and starlets) in the valley, get them to buy me drinks and get my "rate" increased to $9000 (or two burritos and a tall can of cheap American beer) a scene just by sending one text message. It is this ability to get shit done that has lead me to success in extensively reviewing porn star cooze with even the most brief encounter. This is an example of said skills.
According to recent tweets and some not so recent tweets on the Twitter I am one of the worst contributors Brian Bangs has come across. He's probably right. I have not submitted a vagina review in quite some time so now I'm about to give you an amazingly big vagina review. Ok, so maybe it's not a big, as in lengthy, review but it is a review of a big vagina.