"The Stubby Nubby G's thick curve and powerful vibration is one sure-fire way to find it every time. Mushroom shaped and jelly-soft, The Stubby Nubby G's unique feel will serve you shaken and stirred."

That’s the sales pitch that the manufacturer provides you with. I sort of agree…

Look, I'm not really into the whole Tera Patrick mystique. Sure, she's a beautiful woman and has done a lot for adult/mainstream crossover but c'mon, she's married to this guy and honestly, she seems a bit lifeless. However, she's got status and I'm all about upping my own so last night I had sex with the next best thing, the new Tera Patrick signature series Fleshlight.

So, there I was, lying on the floor of the bathroom after a night of mixing Red Bull and ‘Tussin when my bullshit bad-Vincent-Price-movie-free-ringtone started echoing in my ears. Normally, this would result in another phone shattered against the tile walls, but when I reached for it, I accidentally hit “Talk.” Bangs’ voice was on the other end, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and shit and he was going on about how cool it would be if we could somehow tie this Twilight phenomenon in to the adult industry. As I hadn’t spoken yet, it was clear that he was talking to somebody else (probably BUCKTON). Stupidly, I opened my mouth.

Hey POPPORN readers, I need your help! My toybox is overflowing with new goodies but I can't choose what to review first. I'm horrible at making decisions (never ask me where we should go for dinner... you may be waiting for 3 days for an answer), so I'm letting you dudes and dudettes make the choice for me. So watch my little video below and vote for your favorite toy!

The best buy pussy? Don't make me laugh while I cum.

Sure, this thing made me cum, but is that really saying anything? I mean, there are very few thing on this Earth that don't make me cum when I lube up my wang and groove inside of it. Among them are rolls of sandpaper and badger's mouths (too rough for MEAT BALL). Quite frankly, the best buy pussah is strictly amateur hour when it comes to strokers.

Okay, so a new sex toy showed up on my desk and I thought I'd take it home and review the fuck out of it, which would also involve fucking the fuck out of it. What I didn't know was that I didn't even need to fuck the fuck out of it, because it fucked the fuck out of me first!

Let me explain.

In case you degenerate fuckos are too poor to afford HBO, I’ve got a news flash for you: Anna Paquin, the absolutely sexalicious star, finally shows her nearly-perfect twin headlights while she gets into some dirty, vampire grief sex with her bloodsucking BF. I say finally, but it’s not like she went all Mary Louise Parker on us and made us wait four plus years. But, still it’s fucking significant man.

I will not put this thing up my ass, not because I am opposed to things in my ass, but because I am opposed to things with bad design in my ass. The shape of this toy is completely unsuited for the physics of anal sex. There is no reverse taper to prevent premature ejection of this poorly made purple, mystery jelly anal ‘probe’.

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of torture videos. I know, I know…the whole “torture porn” boom was like so three and a half years ago or whatever, but y’all can take your Hostels and your Saws and shove them up your poorly wiped ass cracks cause chicks getting their goods violently tarnished…well it’s good clean fun for the whole family and since I’m my whole family…

Great goblins, if you're looking for one goddamn impressive piece of hardware to stick your ween deep inside, look no further than the Fleshlight.

Soft? Yup. Tight? Yuh-huh. Realistic? You fuckin' bet your ass it is. If it had a little bit of pubis garninshing the hole, I would've thought it was the real thing. You know, if not for the fact that it comes inside a case that looks like one of those real-deal flashlights that cops use. I didn't even realize that I was attracted to lighting equipment until now, and the Fleshlight is far and away, the greatest motherfucking t thing I've ever stuck my wang inside. That includes cheap-o strokers, high-class synthetic vadges and even one or two real-life women. Granted, I've never been with a non-chancred woman, so I can't say for sure that this toy is better than the real thing, but goddamnit if it ain't close.

You’ll all have to excuse Stanko. He’s got a pounding fucking headache and the sun is way too fucking bright. Yes, he’s hungover and yes, he’s talking about himself in the third person, but he’s got a hangover so get the fuck over it.

Let's call this sex toy, Mr. Softee. He is not very fun. I think the name gives it all away. Who wants to play with something soft? Well maybe there are some girls out there who do, but if you're like me and want something hard and powerful to use on your lady parts, I'd like to highly discourage using this toy.

For an exclusive contract girl who shoots a very small amount of scenes per year, every movie is a learning experience. In preparation for the release of my newest movie, I thought I’d share some of the things I learned while making it.

The night before we start on Deeper 11: Stoya, my friend Jess flies in from Philadelphia for her 21st birthday. I don’t drive, so I somehow convince one of our camera guys that it’ll be really fun to take me in his car to pick her up from the airport.

Generally I wear lingerie around the house to keep cool in a hot kitchen or while performing other common house hold tasks. While cooking in my Decadence Break-Away Triangle Top and Panty Skirt I discovered the hazards of "one size fits most" lingerie design.

Your porn is here…” read the text message that I received from my roommate. “And this time, it wasn't delivered to the neighbors!”

The arrival of this information thrilled me. So much in fact, that I raced home immediately, leaving my sister behind in mid-conversation. After arriving home and opening the parcel, I found anxiously waiting for me, a long silver box.