I will not put this thing up my ass, not because I am opposed to things in my ass, but because I am opposed to things with bad design in my ass. The shape of this toy is completely unsuited for the physics of anal sex. There is no reverse taper to prevent premature ejection of this poorly made purple, mystery jelly anal ‘probe’.

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of torture videos. I know, I know…the whole “torture porn” boom was like so three and a half years ago or whatever, but y’all can take your Hostels and your Saws and shove them up your poorly wiped ass cracks cause chicks getting their goods violently tarnished…well it’s good clean fun for the whole family and since I’m my whole family…

Great goblins, if you're looking for one goddamn impressive piece of hardware to stick your ween deep inside, look no further than the Fleshlight.

Soft? Yup. Tight? Yuh-huh. Realistic? You fuckin' bet your ass it is. If it had a little bit of pubis garninshing the hole, I would've thought it was the real thing. You know, if not for the fact that it comes inside a case that looks like one of those real-deal flashlights that cops use. I didn't even realize that I was attracted to lighting equipment until now, and the Fleshlight is far and away, the greatest motherfucking t thing I've ever stuck my wang inside. That includes cheap-o strokers, high-class synthetic vadges and even one or two real-life women. Granted, I've never been with a non-chancred woman, so I can't say for sure that this toy is better than the real thing, but goddamnit if it ain't close.

You’ll all have to excuse Stanko. He’s got a pounding fucking headache and the sun is way too fucking bright. Yes, he’s hungover and yes, he’s talking about himself in the third person, but he’s got a hangover so get the fuck over it.

Let's call this sex toy, Mr. Softee. He is not very fun. I think the name gives it all away. Who wants to play with something soft? Well maybe there are some girls out there who do, but if you're like me and want something hard and powerful to use on your lady parts, I'd like to highly discourage using this toy.

For an exclusive contract girl who shoots a very small amount of scenes per year, every movie is a learning experience. In preparation for the release of my newest movie, I thought I’d share some of the things I learned while making it.

The night before we start on Deeper 11: Stoya, my friend Jess flies in from Philadelphia for her 21st birthday. I don’t drive, so I somehow convince one of our camera guys that it’ll be really fun to take me in his car to pick her up from the airport.

Generally I wear lingerie around the house to keep cool in a hot kitchen or while performing other common house hold tasks. While cooking in my Decadence Break-Away Triangle Top and Panty Skirt I discovered the hazards of "one size fits most" lingerie design.

Your porn is here…” read the text message that I received from my roommate. “And this time, it wasn't delivered to the neighbors!”

The arrival of this information thrilled me. So much in fact, that I raced home immediately, leaving my sister behind in mid-conversation. After arriving home and opening the parcel, I found anxiously waiting for me, a long silver box.

We interviewed Ryan Keely a few weeks ago and we've kind of loved her ever since. Something about the way she calls us nerds yet still loves playing Star Wars Monopoly did it for us. When Evolved Novelties hit the market and sent us pre-street samples for review, there were a couple of young ladies we thought could handle it...Ryan was certainly one of them...take it away Ryan...

Okay, no offense to anybody who we've had on any of our previous videos, and no offense to anybody who's watching our shenanigans week after week, but seriously...if you're not Jack Napier, you ain't fuckin' shit. Jack is a nothing less than king among men, as is evident by his 12-foot penis.

This little number does the job whether you've got the vibration on OR off. I was intimidated by it's size the first time I laid eyes on it, but soon learned that if i got it nice and lubed up and used it as a dildo, the Frostie Zig-Zag would make me cum in just a few short minutes. It's ridges hit all the right spots!

Ms. Santi has created her own version of a "Rabbit" style vibrator, in the likeness of her gigantic dragon tattoo. I must say, I think dragons are MUCH cooler than rabbits. They don't run away in the face of danger, they fly, they breathe fire and are generally all around awesome. So when Eragon, our toy guy, handed me Sophia's Dragon I was pretty fuckin' excited. And she did not let me down.

POPPORN.com is pleased as punch to say that Miss Cherie' surprised us with a new toy review today. We have kind of missed our ladies toy reviews so this was a perfect surprise for the day. However, what makes it so awesome is that not only did she write us a review, she gave you all a little visual guide as well...enjoy!

Reading stuff is cool, but watching stuff makes reading stuff look like an asshole! Think about it, would you rather read a review of a righteous new pussy-tickling toy, or just watch our beautiful superstar smut-lover (smutress?) Lexi LaVey try the fucking thing out while you watch?

Days like these are where I realize that marketing and packaging have a lot to do with product success. Joanna Angel and the Burning Angel brand are so freaking hot that seeing Joanna's face and the BA logo on the box means I'm already turned on by association. If the packaging makes people horny, then for sure they'll have a good time with the toy, right? Right.