James Deen doesn't love you. He loves your money. James Deen doesn't want to have sex with you unless he's getting paid for it and James Deen certainly doesn't want to know you unless your name is Benjamin. This may be a hard reality to come to terms with if you're a Deenager, but if you're the type of person who needs a handsome, well-endowed fella to fill a position on any sort of film production (whether or not semen is required on command) well, this might be information that you find very interesting.

In some rather not-so-shocking news, adult industry heart-throb James Deen has apparently bedded down a reality television personality. Sadly, this sexual romp was not with POPPORN backer Donald Trump or leftist/socialist icon Ariana Huffington. No, Deen's sex-counter was with Farrah Abraham, star of MTV's lackluster "Teen Mom" porn series.

It's been a few months since James Deen was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year, so I think it's safe to say that his star's most likely fading by now. His status as love-goal of all women old and young has most likely now been usurped by the guy who played Thor or one of those kids from One Direction. He'll soon be in his thirties, trying to make his way through life as an average man with an average penis (they shrink significantly at age 31), with no particular hopes and dreams to occupy his consciousness as he waits for the eternal black cocoon that is death.

Look, we remembered that we have a camera! And we've not yet used up all of our blackmail points with James Deen! Thus, another year of goofy red carpet interviews! Hot cookies, dickholes!

First up, magic moments with Stoya, Eric Masterson, Katie St. Ives, Evan Stone, Brian Street Team, former POPPORN correspondent Lucy Vonne and hip-hop mogul/terrifying dude Suge Knight.

More coming, dicks! No Dale Dabone footage, unfortunately!

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After his soul-full yet understated depiction of "Phil" in the POPPORN helmed, Official The Hangover Parody, unsung adult performer James Deen has finally been recognized with an award from the industry that he so desperately loves.

In days of yore, we'd try to spend our time writing articles that were about porn or could, at least in some way, give us an excuse to show a girl with her clothes off or something. But clearly that got old, and we're not so interested in doing that anymore. Just look at the POPPORN homepage, emblazoned with photographs of buff men (mostly Dale Dabone) and testicles, allowing very little real estate for the nude female form.

We've basically become the adult version of Playgirl magazine. Or maybe Bop. With that in mind, James Deen got a new kitten!

Hey Teenagers! Your boyfriend, James Deen, has a new trailer on the internet! And since it's not pornographic, you can totally watch it on your smartphones or iPads during science class or study hall or whatever it is that you do in high school!

It seems like every time we turn around these days, we're faced with some young girl (or the occasional old crone) who's positively gushing over the idea of James Deen's cock. While watching James pork his way in and out of the vaginas, mouths and bungholes of porno's biggest stars is usually enough to satiate these masses, there's still the occasional plea for James to come to their house and bone these women.

Naturally, James can't satiate every female sex hole in the world, though we're sure he'd love to try. The logistics of getting to each and every house is just too much for a young somewhat-mainstream sexual icon to bear, not to mention the more-than-decent chances that 50% or more of these women are underage, and James most likely doesn't want to go to jail.

But hey! There's still hope. Because now an artificial (yet strangely lifelike) replica of James Deen's ween is ready and waiting to be crammed into every wet and willing hole in can work it's way into.

At this point, it's been somewhere around ten years since we first announced that Brian Bangs and Spock BUCKTON would be helming a parody of the popular 2009 comedy, The Hangover. Throughout that time, we've bounced back and forth from greenlit to cancelled, from exuberantly excited to dismally fatigued, from caring to not giving a shit and then back again.

But it's all happening now! And since a minor tidbit of inconsequential news about the mainstream sequel happened to land on the internet today, we'd like to present an all-new video clip, which happens to show you every major plot point (including the ending)!

Trending pornstar-of-the-moment James Deen has recorded a public service announcement that encourages those people who watch porn not to attempt sexual congress in their own lives without a prophylactic. Specifically, a condom.

In the ever-growing tradition of people quitting stuff, it appears that Bibi Jones is leaving porn! Rough deal!

But, honestly, the fact that someone leaves porn isn't quite huge news these days. It happens every day. Sometimes twice. Heck, the average lifespan of a big-time porn starlet's career seems to be somewhere around six to eight months at present, and that figure's getting thinner and thinner all the time. So, getting into the whys and hows of a starlet leaving the industry is becoming a increasingly tedious exercise from one day to the next, and asking those questions seems irrelevant.

THIS IS POPPORN'S 2000th NODE! CONGRATULATE YOURSELVES! WE DID IT, PEOPLE!

People. Are you bad-ass enough? Probably not. Chances are, you need someone to keep picking at you and encouraging you to be more bad-ass. That's where the fuckin' instigator comes in. Prepare yourselves, dicks!

Today we're pretty much shittin' our pants in excitement and anticipation of showing you, our loyal readers, the trailer to our upcoming porn flick. While we do our fair share of porn parody work and appreciate the opportunities we are given no matter how hackish they may seem, any true artist enjoys and prefers working in their own realm of creativity.

That James Deen fellow sure is popular these days. He's been featured on serious news programs, he's had his dick molded by top-tier toy manufacturer Doc Johnson, he's guest-hosted a series of videos for the internet's #1 website, he's hobnobbed with major industry players like Brian Bangs and Spock BUCKTON and, perhaps most importantly, he's had sex with lots and lots of women. And lots more in addition to them.

Which is actually what we wanted to talk to you about. Have you had sexual intercourse with James Deen?

Okay, Awards season is officially over. Which is good, because it's April and we need to start thinking about what should win all the big awards next year. For instance, Lionel Ritchie's sure to pick up a grammy, Manuel Ferrara will win his first oscar (he's working with Lars Von Trier on something really uplifting, apparently), and Adele will win her court case against POPPORN (don't ask). But that's all next year. Right here in the present day, there's a handful of very special people who have cause to celebrate. Most likely by ramming their privates together.

I speak, of course, of the 2012 TLA RAW AWARDS! The winners have been announced scant hours ago and already the internet is on fire with buzz! Go ahead and google it!