God damn it, we just fuckin' love Penny Flame around here.

She's sweet, she's friendly, she's a jokester of the highest caliber, she's goddamn awesome at pornographic film, and she's not easily annoyed by the antics of fools like us. It was hard to face the fact that she was getting out of the adult industry, but fuck it man, that's where she's at right now, and we wish her well.

Okay. Full disclosure. This video has nothing to do with abortion. Breathe easy, everybody.

Instead, BUCKTON managed to snag a few minutes with POPPORN's very favorite tattooed provocateur, Joanna Angel (as well as Misti Dawn, who ain't too bad either). The topics of conversation ranged from whether or not Joanna and James Deen are cheating on each other, whether or not it's easy to get fucked against a wall, and...uh...well, that might be about it. Sorry, we have a very limited grasp on the fine art of conversation, in case you hadn't noticed.

Now, you wouldn't know it by looking at this greasy, sweaty, rude and vulgar lothario, but Spock BUCKTON actually gets loads upon loads of puss on a weekly (and occasionally daily) basis. It's true. Despite his complete lack of tact, complete overabundance of sweat and incessant hooting, hollering, yammering and yapping, the fucker is, believe it or not, up to his eyeballs in beave. It's hard to believe.

So how does he do it? We're glad you asked, because we've recently become privy to the secret of Spock BUCKTON's success: The Spock BUCKTON HOW TO BE A LADIES MAN PUSSY GETTING PROGRAM!

Look, I know we’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead and yes Penny Flame is dead…to the wide world of smut at least. She’s off with the soulless people who haven’t gotten the memo yet that Dr. Drew is the incubus spawn of the kid from The Omen and the pedophile dude from Happiness. Yes, I'm saying Dr. Drew is a pedophile and, no, of course I don’t have any proof. Shit…I’m digressing…fucking cough syrup and anti-psychotics…

This news broke last week, but we waited a little while to report it. Partly because we've been taking the news rather hard, and we're hoping that it was a dream (though after a couple days, reality's starting to set in and we're gonna have to face facts). Also, we've been drinking and drugging a lot more than usual lately, so it's been a little difficult to string more than three words together, and usually the words we can muster are something along the lines of "more sucks please". Nothing fit for publication, that's for sure.

Put on a pot of coffee and hide the dilaudid, because Celebrity Rhab's coming back for a new season! Only this time, the show's not about drug addiction, but rather, about sex addiction. Or was it always about that? I dunno, I never watched the shit. If I wanted to watch Gary Busey getting the shakes, I'd groove out on ten or twelve back-to-back viewings of The Buddy Holly Story, but that's just me. I may actually have to tune in to the new season, because it's starring somebody who I've got quite an affinity for: Penny Flame.

Um, who remembers the big porno thing that happened in Vegas a few weeks back? What was it called, ABM? ATM? Something like that?

Whatever it was, we're aware that most of you missed it. And we'll never forgive you, because POPPORN felt really fuckin' lonely while we were out there. But we managed to pull ourselves together and have one fucking hell of a great time anyway, thanks mostly to BUCKTON's extra-special co-host, the all lowercase porn sensation, jessica drake!

Well it has been way too long since I have reviewed a vagina, my bad. I was busy getting hookers down in Mexico then busy recovering from the subsequent case of chlamydia.

So...while the bulk of the POPPORN staff is grooving out in Vegas, most likely auctioning off their private parts to a plethora of A-list pornographers (not to mention scoring a shitload of that awesome Vegas meth), a few of us are still here at the offices, without a whole lot to do but rub our nutsacks on BUCKTON and Bangs' desks, smoke Double D's weed and groove out to the newest batch of advice from Tom Byron. He's got Penny Flame helping him out, too. Which is pretty righteous in and of itself.