It's hard to be a real scumbag these days.

With the internet being what it is, scumminess lurks just beyond every click of the mouse giving every casual scum ball scummier credentials than he or she actually deserves. Any dick hole can google "cum-wad jit storm" or "ass-cream milkshake recipes" but it takes a true scumbag to jerk off (to completion) to a woman drinking a blended horse semen and tomato juice smoothie.

Let's assume, shall we, that you have a bail hearing coming up. Unfortunately, what you are going to discover is that "bail" is just a fancy word for money. At that hearing, they are going to insist that you put down some cold hard cash as a guarantee that you will return to court for your scheduled trial. Cash that you probably don't have because, let's face it, you're a scum bag.

That James Deen fellow sure is popular these days. He's been featured on serious news programs, he's had his dick molded by top-tier toy manufacturer Doc Johnson, he's guest-hosted a series of videos for the internet's #1 website, he's hobnobbed with major industry players like Brian Bangs and Spock BUCKTON and, perhaps most importantly, he's had sex with lots and lots of women. And lots more in addition to them.

Which is actually what we wanted to talk to you about. Have you had sexual intercourse with James Deen?

LIsten up, suckers. The big time porno extravaganza-thon knowns as Miami Exxxotica is just about upon you. The show's going in a little over a month and it's sure to be a shindig to remember. It's probably going to be the most noteworthy event to occur in Miami since the god-awful hurricane that ravaged the city in 1926. And hey, guess what? We're gonna be there. And we'd really like to invite a few of you along with us. So hey, there's gonna be a contest.

It seems like, at least in my neck of the woods, one in every three or four twenty-or-thirty-something males I know is either a film student, an unemployed film school graduate, a film school dropout or an avid cinemaphile (with strong opinions on the way movies ought to be). I can't say for sure if you, the reader, fit any of those criteria. but even if you don't, as long as you've got a creatively cruel bone in your body (and who among us doesn't?), we may have an opportunity for you.

Allow me to explain, please.

Hey, do you like fucking? Yeah? How about money? Do you like money? Would you like to win a thousand bucks? Would you like to win it by fucking? Sounds great, right? Getting fucked and winning money? Sounds pretty fucking boss!

Remember a few months back when we presented a special little contest called, THE POPPORN TWITTER TITS CONTEST? Yeah, you remember...we asked folks following us on twitter to submit candid photos of their zoobs for a chance to win $500 bucks. It was a heck of a competition but in the end, we had our winner, Phoenix Askani.

God damn. What was originally a simple contest that we thought might entertain our readers has turned into one of the biggest events in POPPORN.com history (not that we have that much of a history). The first official, TWITTER TITS CONTEST resulted in over one hundred entries of marvelous, beautiful and diverse zoobs. We narrowed it down to our most diverse selection of 20 and then took it to the streets.

Ladies and gentlemen. To say that we here at POPPORN.com were not thrilled like little beavers in a wooded wood by the number of entries we received for our first ever, Twitter Tits contest would be like saying the Ewoks were a better choice than the Wookies. Just not true. Sure, I'm not personally convinced that Wookies were the perfect choice either, but let's just press on.

Seriously, what are we going to say about zoobs that hasn't already been said a million times before? Is it really instinct that makes the mammary glands so appealing to throngs of men this world over? I mean, honestly, I think I know more women who are so enamored by this physical attribute that it begs the question, "Are zoobs a universal language?"