Stop right there!

If you ain't watched part one yet, get the fuckin' fuck back there and see what your sorry ass missed. This thing ain't gonna make sense without it!

Of course, truth be told, it probably won't make all that much sense either way. But we got Spock going incognito, MEAT BALL puking, a couple of nice zoobatroggin' titzahs and some of the bitchinest comedy in town.

Ever wonder what the ladies of POPPORN do when they're not doing shirtless porno reviews with Monsieur BUCKTON? We wondered, too. Especially after BUCKTON overheard some plans for a booze-fueled, pill-poppin' all-girl party.

It turns out that these girls spend their leisure time doing exactly what you'd imagine they'd be doing: drinking, smoking weed, lounging in lingerie, watching porno, making out, and occasionally discussing the early works of Werner Herzog (though that particular discussion was far too hardcore for our site. Gapes aplenty...).

Happy guzzblustering birthday, Astrid.

May it be full of zoobs, good drugs and domming snark and so forth. This video is but a small gesture of our undying love for you. It's meant to be watched repeatedly, and is much better if you get really stoned before watching it.

Love,
POPPORN.com

We thought that maybe you folks were getting a little bit sick of that red background we shoot our reviews against. With that in mind, we gotta say: fuck you. We'll choose whatever the fuck background we wanna use and that red background is as fucking fine as they come. Also, we were fucking sick of that red background, and we thought maybe we'd do a review outside this week (as long as we're in the middle of this bullshit heatwave).

We had a great idea. We thought we'd go out to one of the classier local boozin' joints and play a few rounds of kinky quizzo. You know, that bar game where somebody asks inane questions about screwin' and everybody shouts their answers while boozin' up and whatnot?

Believe me, it is worth expecting the PA-NY Chinatown bus to break down while you're on it. After all, it's 20 bucks round-trip for a reason, son. So if the back tire blows around Exit 7 on the NY Turnpike, you can either think about the lack of recent maintenance on the shitty bus or just admit that you should get the fuck away from the flaming bus tires!

Throughout the years, I have told many a person many a lie about my true profession, for various reasons or another. It’s rare that I do so today, but it can be better to lie in certain cases. Sometimes it was for safety, sometimes it was for the removal of a moral judgment, and sometimes it was out of sheer boredom!

As you may or may not have heard, we promised that this week's video would involve dicksucking. Hopefully, you weren't expecting any of that lady-on-dude dicksucking that seems to be all the rage these days.

Throughout the many trials and tribulations of dating in college, my old roommate and I devised a theory of dating that rivals most of the philosophical formulas in your average Philosophy 101 book (time to take notes, freshman daydreamers). It also has some serious Brave New World qualities to it, for you high IQ high schoolers. Basically, We constructed a system of understanding who you can and, more importantly, cannot date, based on the following formula:

So, as I mentioned, last Friday we hit the town. The girls came out, Digital Playground's exclusive contract star Stoya was in town and Spock was drunk. We're still working through the photos and we'll have lots of vids shortly.

However, I thought it best to get started with this little photo essay...I call this set, "You gave me what?"