Boy. Porn's sure come a long way since the 90's huh? Case in point: Vampirass. This "classic" smut film from 1992 (or 1993, we're not sure) is as weak on story as it is on sex. For one thing, there's no fuckin' vampires. What the shit? Maybe spending so much time with proper feature porn like Roller Dollz and Pirates 2 has made us expect a little bit too much. But Christ, the least they could do is cast a one or two girls that are at least somewhat pretty.

For the first time (and probably the last), POPPORN.com thought it might be a good idea to review a non-pornographic film, and boy was it a mistake. Sure, this might have worked out well if we tried to review something awesome like Wall-E or Kill Switch or something, but oh, no. We had to go and pick (no offense to the filmmakers) a piece of shit like Red Room.

Let's call this sex toy, Mr. Softee. He is not very fun. I think the name gives it all away. Who wants to play with something soft? Well maybe there are some girls out there who do, but if you're like me and want something hard and powerful to use on your lady parts, I'd like to highly discourage using this toy.