Wanna know what fucking sucks? There are all these celebrity sex videos available and not one of them feature the following:

- A four poster bed with canopy.
- A man ravaged by steroids yet, surprisingly well hung.
- A woman who's ex-husband is "sharing her" with his good buddy while he's in the other room.
- A star who calls himself, "a pig" having only eaten 10 minutes prior to the filmed coitus.
- A man who seems to be on either the verge of a heart attack or orgasm during filming.

Wait, what? Hang on a second!

The world's in a sad state. Debt crises everywhere. War at every turn. Load after load of horrible facial mayhem threatens to glaze our biggest stars. So, I must ask, as a society, as a people...where did we go wrong?

The answer, I'm ashamed to say, is quite obvious. America, and thus Earth as a whole, lost it's way when Pastamania, the semolina-based eatery owned by the one and only Hulk Hogan (and, for better or worse, the only place you could find Hulkaroos), closed it's doors, a mere year after it's grand opening.