So the other day I was sitting around thinking of what the fuck I was going to do for Halloween weekend. True, I could do what I do every day and drink myself stupid until I fall down the stairs but this year I wanted to do something special. Something I hadn’t done before. Something new. Something exciting. And then it hit me. I’m going to fuck two girls. I mean I’ve done shit like that before but for whatever reason, had never actually copulated (I think that’s a word) with two broads at the same time.
But how to do it?
So I haven’t written anything in a while. I’d give some witty reason but let’s face facts, you don’t fucking care and I definitely don’t fucking care if you care so let’s skip the pleasantries and dive right into what just occurred to me over the past week. So a particular friend of mine has what can only be described as a fetish for Latino women and this preference has led us on a fair amount of trips south of the border (of the United States that is).
Nobody is ever going to accuse me of being a fan of the pro-lifer’s cause. It’s not that I enjoy killing the unborn, it’s just that I’m a big supporter of giving a woman the right to choose what happens to her body. But you know something, as much as I can’t come around to the pro-life way of thinking I can, at the very least, appreciate that they have an opinion that they (hopefully) formed rationally.
You may recall (although you may not because you fuckos aren’t much for reading) our previous article concerning the future of Prop 8 and the rights of the homosexual community within our society at large. Included amongst the normal drivel was a passionate appeal for the amendment of hate crime legislation to include homosexuals, targeted for their sexual preference, under the “umbrella” of protected status as per federal law. Ring any bells? Matthew Shepard, who was brutally murdered, was mentioned? Well the idea of protecting members of the LGBT from persecution based solely on their sexual preference (not that persecution for any reason is ok, you know, unless you’re a conservative wind-bag, but you know what I mean) has been contentious since gay-rights activists began fighting for inclusion since this conversation began waaaaaay back in the early 90’s. In fact, when a similar bill was being pushed through Congress, Bush II threatened to veto it if it ever reached his desk (it didn’t).
Unless you’ve been living under a rock you’ve probably heard about Proposition 8, the 2008 California ballot proposition that added language to Article I of the California State Constitution which stated that "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." The initiative, easily the highest-funded campaign on Election Day last year except for the presidential election, overturned a previous ruling that found that same-sex couples had the right to wed in California and prompted a slew of protests across the United States as human rights supporters everywhere reacted violently (not literally) to what was then viewed as a codified discriminatory action taken by the state on behalf of conservative nut jobs who feared that not fucking with the constitution and people’s rights would "result in public schools teaching our kids that gay marriage is okay.”
So apparently the supreme court of the great state of Kentucky has just struck down a law that requires sex offenders, convicted prior to the enactment of the 2006 law prohibiting them from living and working in certain areas (near schools, daycares and the like), to abide by the same set of laws restricting those convicted after the law was passed.
Seriously, with the lack of decent journalism systemic of this country I can’t keep this shit straight anymore. First I hear that AIDS is rampant. Then it’s not. Can’t somebody just fucking tell me if it’s safe to use dirty needles again?
So here’s how we’re going to do this. I’m going to give you a bunch of random shit. My thoughts on AIDS, or more specifically on the state of so-called “journalism”, the possible treatment of AIDS (and why we’ll never see it, not that I need it, but Africa might enjoy it) and then I’ll round things off with some pictures from a long lost event I attended months and months ago. So I got a ton of shit to throw at you before I crawl back into my hole and nobody hears from me for another couple months. Lucky fucking you.
Being the understanding and generally magnanimous person that I am I try not to judge people when they say stupid shit. Hell, who am I kidding, I live for it. But I do try to stay away from judging beauty queens and other people of that ilk because truthfully nobody typically cares what they say anyway and because we should, by now, pretty much know going in that they are, for all intents and purposes, dumber than shit. Take for instance Dayana Mendoza. The Venezuelan and reigning Miss Universe who while visiting Guantanamo Bay courtesy of the U.S.O. remarked that it was “soooo beautiful!” “a loooot of fun!” and that she “ didn't want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful”. And those are exact fucking quotes from her blog. I couldn’t make this shit up.
So let me tell you about this fucking shit. Now it occurs to me since I don’t typically watch this garbage I may be a bit behind and some people may already be well aware of this insanity. Well I wasn’t so if you already know about it good for you. I’m not talking to you. If you don’t, well, sit back and get a load of this.
I’ve recently had an epiphany. Was it divine intervention? Couldn’t be. Was it too many long hours sitting at a bar polluting my liver with whiskey and blackening my lungs with unfiltered cigarettes? Or could it have been a natural inclination to get the fuck out of my natural surroundings? I couldn’t be sure. But regardless of the inspiration I decided to become a sort of traveling preacher spreading the POPPORN.com gospel where’er I go.
While you were being lulled to sleep by the Super Bowl last Sunday some lucky sons of bitches down in Arizona (or up if you’re in Mexico) got a tasty treat. Right after Larry Fitzgerald scored in the fourth quarter with a little over two minutes remaining Comcast’s Super Bowl coverage came to an abrupt halt cutting away to about thirty seconds of footage from an Evan Stone masterpiece being broadcast on sister-channel Club Jenna.
So the porn industry wants a bailout. Oh yes, you heard me. Controversial porn moguls Larry Flynt whom everybody knows as the brains behind Hustler and Joe Francis, best known for his Girls Gone Wild video series as well as his laundry list of legal snafus, proposed a $5 billion government bailout to shore up the floundering adult industry.
To be honest, and I say this so often it should just be assumed, I wanted to write about this sooner. But while I would usually make something up about gained insight or whatever nonsense I think I can get away with that day I feel pretty good about building a successful case for justifying my never ending procrastination. You see I hoped to have this done by Christmas or sooner, just in time to take a shit on all the Who's in Whoville.
I wasn’t sure how I’d begin this article. Admittedly at first I intended for it to be a scathing condemnation of what most would assume to be the greatest celebration imaginable. I was going to say how when it was held in Miami it was made to sound like a showcase of debauchery, the very likes of which few of us have ever truly witnessed.
It was a tight race with each candidate making lofty promises the other would cast serious doubt upon and speak eloquently, or not so much so, against. Whose constituency was larger, who could snare enough votes from the other to come out ahead. They each made their arguments, they each plead their cases. But in the end there could be just one, one victor, one representative, one glorious champion of the people.
Wait, you don’t think I mean the presidential race do you?