Hey fuckaz, it's BUCKTON here and I just got back from making the 2nd best movie ever ( this is the best movie ever.) I know a lot of fucks out there have been talking a lot of poo and spreding filthy lies about the way I "behaved" while we were out there making our first fuck flick and frankly, I couldn't give two fucks. Sure, I could fan the flames by pointing out what dickfuckers the naysayers are but I'd rather rub these photos in their faces of me getting it on with the lovely Miss Ryan Keely.

Now I don't know how many of you shits have ever been on a porn set but it's not all it's cracked up to be. I mean, these fuckers spend more time on their cell phones and talking about shit that I don't know what they're talking when what they should really be focusing on is ME! Luckily, Ryan understands that I need attention in order to make my art all that it needs to be. Some call it a muse... other's call it dry humping.

My favorite pillow-fight partner (and sometimes POPPORN.com contributor) Ryan Keely was in Miami all last week feature dancing at Tootsie's Cabaret. I was lucky enough to get a chance to get down and see her for her final night on Saturday and honestly, because of it, you're lucky too.

Ryan Keely works hard. She's often slaving away over her member site, blogging or stripping...sometimes she's in Seattle for weird, "arty" reasons but she never rests, woah no, she never rests.

Who doesn't love her? I mean, she's renaissance woman for god's sake. She loves sex, pornography, stripping, picking up young boys AND girls to test their moral righteousness, she runs an awesome website, chats on a fun blog, enjoys electronics and theater and is pretty much smarter than any of us, which, while not hard stills means we have to love her.

I will not put this thing up my ass, not because I am opposed to things in my ass, but because I am opposed to things with bad design in my ass. The shape of this toy is completely unsuited for the physics of anal sex. There is no reverse taper to prevent premature ejection of this poorly made purple, mystery jelly anal ‘probe’.

Generally I wear lingerie around the house to keep cool in a hot kitchen or while performing other common house hold tasks. While cooking in my Decadence Break-Away Triangle Top and Panty Skirt I discovered the hazards of "one size fits most" lingerie design.

So, to catch you up...

We've broken up with Kimberly Kane because of her cheating ways. We've added a lovely new lady named Jack to the POPPORN roster and we're seriously considering jumping into a meaningless, torrid rebound affair with Ryan Keely. Look, don't try to talk us out of it. She's smarter than us, nerdier than us and kinda mean to us.

We interviewed Ryan Keely a few weeks ago and we've kind of loved her ever since. Something about the way she calls us nerds yet still loves playing Star Wars Monopoly did it for us. When Evolved Novelties hit the market and sent us pre-street samples for review, there were a couple of young ladies we thought could handle it...Ryan was certainly one of them...take it away Ryan...

"It doesn't look like I'm going to take dick on film," says Ryan Keely, kind of breaking our heart a little. The Seattle native, who used to work under the name Maria Menendez is "a bit of a control freak," and would want a contract in order to fuck guys on film, but feels that at 24 she's already too old to get one.

Psst. Ryan, if we had any money at all, we'd totally contract you up!