The past week has not been a good one for penises worldwide: a Peruvian man required emergency surgery for an eight-day-long boner, a Philadelphian lost a lawsuit for a misdiagnosed dick, and the World’s Biggest Cock (surprisingly, not an Australian) got revenge on a penis-prankster by raping his wife. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!

Oh man, the things I would do if I had a real live boner and not just a stupid strap-on! I can’t think of very many things that I wouldn’t stick it in. I’d be fapping for weeks at a time. (Okay, maybe I do already, but let’s pretend that it’d be different if I had a dick.) For a 53-year-old Peruvian man, though, my dream was his nightmare when an erection lasted eight days and caused him to have emergency surgery. Seems as though it was either drain the blood or lose the third leg, since blood trapped in the penis due to priapism can cause tissue loss. Though the surgery was successful, doctors are still scratching their heads as to the cause of it all. Apparently, he wasn’t on any drugs when the hard-on attacked. The poor bastard.

Meanwhile, another poor bastard lost a lawsuit on his fractured penis’s behalf when a jury rejected his malpractice claims against a doctor who allegedly misdiagnosed a 2004 sexual injury. The unnamed plaintiff is said to have banged his wife so hard that he broke his junk, and now suffers from a painful sexual dysfunction. Experts agree that in coming years, the dysfunction is likely to grow to include cuckoldry.

If you’re not depressed enough already, read on: a Thai man recently confessed to raping his friend’s wife because said friend pranked him. Yes, you read that right: rape is apparently the new retribution for fraternity pranks. The accused rapist fell asleep while drunk a few months earlier, and his friends decided to teach him a lesson by tying a string from his big toe to his penis, so that when they woke him in a hurry and he stood up…well, I think you know what happened next. Hilarious, right? Mr. Alleged Rapist didn’t think so. He was mad for months, planning his revenge against his friend who led the prank, which apparently equaled raping the prankster’s wife. The saddest part, though, is that this was his statement on the attack: "I don’t feel sorry for what I’ve done,’ Mr. Narongchit said, ‘but I feel happy to have released my anger.’” Um, couldn’t you have pranked him back or kicked him in the nuts or something instead, like a normal person?

If it makes you feel any better, at least Dave Naz is out making the world a better place for wood through his fund raising effort for ailing gay porn pioneer David Hurles. Thanks, Dave. We can always count on you for a good cheer up.

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