Hey fuckaz! This is Spock BUCKTON cumming at you from my lair deep in South Philadelphia. I’m a little irritable today and out of fuckin’ meth. So don’t you dare call me unless you’ve got some shit.

Me and Meat Ball recently returned from the methiest city in the world – fuckin’ LAS VEGAS. We were out there to do some drugs, some gamblin’ and some legal hookin’. (Missions accomplished) But imagine our surprise when we found out there was a goddamn porno convention going on the very same week were there. BONUS!

Now Meat Ball and me, we’re some good fuckin’ scammers. We could scam the pants off a nun in a heartbeat and then she’d ask for seconds. So, it goes without sayin’ that we scammed our way right into that fuckin’ porno show without skipping a beat by acting like we were legitimate business dudes looking to make some adult entertainment. And I gotta tell ya fuckaz - that show was some crazy shit. There was snatch as far as the eye could see and zoobs aplenty. We got to hang with all the chicks who’s buttholes we watch gettin’ stretched on videotape and it was pretty goddamn sweet.

But now we’ve got a problem…

We had a lovely dinner with Wicked Pictures' Miss jessica drake and a bunch of other dipshits who’s names I can’t remember and, low and behold, she’s a motherfucking sweetheart! How the hell am I supposed to jerk off to her now? Can’t do it. Cross her off the whack list and withdraw her from the Buckton Memorial Spank Bank. Same deal with Digital Playground’s new starlet, Stoya ™. Hung with her too…went out and ate some expensive meat. And what do you know? Another great gal! So now I’ll never be able to cum on the TV while she gets banged by Tommy Gunn. What the fuck?!!

But the biggest tragedy of all was Belladonna. Oh Bella, how many times have I watched your sphincter get stretched in unnatural ways? I’m so familiar with your lower intestines that I could describe them to a police sketch artist (and probably should). How many times have I seen you pummeled by so much fucking jit that the only way I could tell you apart from whatever slag was getting cummed on next to you was by your wonderful tooth gap – the only feature on your face not covered in plung? FUCK! She was the sweetest thing I’ve met in my fucking life and Spock BUCKTON does not use the word sweet! In fact, the sweetest thing about me is maybe when I shove popsicles up a slag’s vag to cool off my meth-cock. Dammit, I’ll never be able to watch you spread your beave again. In fact, the only thing I want to see spread on you, sweet Bella, is your open arms – spread wide and accepting my head on your shoulder while I cry. Cry and tell you about all the horrible things I’ve done in my life and beg you for forgiveness… and your PIN number so me and MEAT BALL can go fuckin’ gamblin’. You think we’re spending our money on gamblin’?