Full disclosure: I've got a bottle-shaped penis. If you stretched a few inches of human skin over a glass Coca-Cola bottle and added a few nuts (and a birthmark), you'd have an almost exact replica of my wang. So you can imagine how much I was affected by that one Coke-bottle-suckjob scene in Truth or Dare. That's why, though I can think of more reasons to hate Madonna than love her, I'll always have an unexplainable attraction to her. Especially vintage Madonna.

So when I found out that Christie's is auctioning off a 1979 Lee Freidlander shot of a nude (and incredibly hairy) Madonna, shit...I just think this is something we need for the POPPORN office's wall.

Right now, the only thing adorning our wall is a series of smutty drawings by Spock, MEAT, and Bangs (which, while awe-inspiring, aren't perhaps as classy as they could be). Besides the obvious reasons we want this photo, we feel it's our duty to support Christie's in their offering of not-quite-pornographic-but-definitely-smutty material. They usually sell significantly less risque items, and fuck...if we can convince them it's worthwhile to move into the skin trade, we've got a whole new ball game on our hands here.

They could be selling pieces of Sasha Grey's pubes by 2015 if we keep letting them know it's worthwhile.

So, basically, we need to borrow about $15,000 from somebody. That's right around where the bidding for this breathtaking piece of M-muff-art is at right now, and honestly, we just don't have the cash. We were about to round up about $13.45 from the entire POPPORN staff (and $13.25 of that came from Thrustwell).

Now, if only there was a nude shot from the Dick Tracy set where she's wearing that "blank" face and receiving cunnilingus from Glenn Headley. That would be fuckin' rad.

SHANGHAI SURPRISE