All right, I need to bitch about something....

Maybe I’ve been in the pornography business a little too long. I’m sure I have a much better understanding of the in and outs (intended) of the industry than your average masturbator but there’s something that’s really been burnin’ my asshairs lately. Most of the dipshits I hang out with already know what I do for a living and most of them think its “the greatest job ever.” (It’s not – that honor would go to the dudes that get to build props for the Star Wars movies.) But every once in awhile I run into some some douche bag who hits me with the whole “How can you be a part of and actually promote something that’s so demeaning to women?” attack. Of course, these fuckin’ morons are usually either psyche majors who never watch porn or snooty, rich feminists. Of course, Spock BUCKTON’s got no prob with feminism (although he might be of the opinion that feminism is a bit of a moot movement in this day and age – bigger fish to fry, people, let’s try humanism… just a thought.) Psyche majors though? They can suck it. Suck it and fucking choke on it.

Now I’m getting off my point.

When idiots hit me with this argument my tendency is to sit quietly, smile and continue to picture what their faces would look like if they could take a look at the bank account of even one of the most insignificant female porn star. Don’t even get me started on how much dough women performers make compared to dudes. Women have the power in straight porn... not men. Or how about the fact that pornography and stripping are some of the only jobs that literally any woman can do and be guaranteed a decent (or amazing) payday. Porno has no prejudice. No matter what you look like, there’s some dude out there who’s gonna be turned on by it. Ugly women, fat women, old women and even handicapped women have found a loving home and steady paycheck in the world of smut.

Sure, just because these ladies are laughing all the way to the bank doesn’t necessarily mean that porn’s not demeaning to women. But is that any more demeaning than bringing home 100 grand a year working in pharmaceuticals, advertising or insurance? Can porno from time to time be a bit demeaning? Fuck yes! Isn’t that the point? But when it is, it’s kind of demeaning to everyone involved… and that includes you, too! If you don’t believe me – the next time you watch porn, really pay attention to the dude. They look like fucking Neanderthals and that’s nothing compared to the way you look while your jerkin’ off.

So, as fans of porno, if any fucking stuck-up fucker ever makes you feel like a dick for being a fan, here are a few things you can say to them (while giving them the finger the whole fucking time.)

• Exploiting women, huh? Oh, you mean like the entire fashion, cosmetics and pop music industries? Nice pantsuit, by the way. Now shove off and listen to some fucking Shakira on your iPod.

• Listen lady, if it weren’t for porno, I’d be trying to make out with you right now. But since I can go home and whack off to Unthinkable Acts of Hardcore when I leave here, you’re gonna leave here without an unwanted hickey and clandestine boob grab.
• Oh, I completely agree! Did you hear about Jenna Jameson? Poor lady… all that money and fame. It’s a shame all those greedy men took advantage of her like that.
• You know, I’ve met a handful of famous folks in my life, and I’ve never met anyone as happy and carefree as porn stars. (Even if this isn’t true in your case, you can take Spock’s word on this.)

Or simply…

• Fuck you. (start jerking off now...) I mean, really, FUCK YOU! Fuck you in the mouth so goddamn hard and deep that, if I’m lucky, it will poke you in whatever the fuck (still whackin’ it...) part of your mind that dictates logic and common sense. If I weren’t so anti-violence I would totally be water boarding the fuck out of you right now. You mean less to me than my old, cum that’s still crusted on the inner fly of my jeans. Speaking of cum…

Then, you cum on them. All the fuck over them. Now that’s demeaning!

On second thought, you might wanna skip that last one. I’ve been doing that a lot lately and if I get arrested for it one more time they’re gonna take my thumbs.