Katarina Slit was born in 1996 in the small town of Feldkirch, Austria. While working at the Katzenturm (a tourist attraction boasting the largest bell in Vorarlberg) in 2003, she mysteriously disappeared and was presumed dead before mysteriously re-appearing in 2007, clothed in a futuristic ice-skater’s costume and having physically aged 16 years.

Claiming to have been whisked into the future by time-traveling ice-pornographers, Ms. Slit voraciously denounced the early 21st Century’s puritanical view towards sex and insisted that sexuality (as well as porn) will soon dominate every facet of modern life, claiming, “In the year 2035, you can scarcely walk down the street without coming face to face with another citizen’s genitals. Which is pretty great considering the vast advances made in sexual fluid flavor-implants since the 2010s”.

We can neither confirm nor deny her claims of time travel, due to our era’s shitty science. But we can say that she’s got huge zoobs and loves writing about sexuality and pornography, as well as ice-skating.

On the subject of ice-skating, Slit added “Kristi Yamaguchi wouldn’t last more than 10 minutes in the future. Too frigid. That knee-breaking pornographess Tanya Harding would do pretty well, though, if only she hadn’t been killed in the great fluid wars of 2012”.