Here I am, offering to you - my loyal readers, the two most disturbing events I have come across so far in my past month at the porno store. So sit back, relax, and prepare to feel VERY creeped out...

The first story happened in the beginning of September. A girl who is a sort of regular customer came in to look at toys with her new boyfriend. They were perusing our wares when my coworker walked over to say hello to the girl and see how she had been. I was standing a few feet away, straightening up condoms or organizing lube or something else mundane like that when I heard my coworker say "Holy Crap!" very loudly. I decided to investigate. I should have known better. I should have just kept quiet as to spare myself from the total and absolute mind-fuck I was about to witness.

The regular, her boyfriend, and my coworker (we'll call him C from now on) were standing in front of the "bullet vibe" section. The girl was holding a rabbit-shaped bullet, the boy was holding his cell phone, and C just had a frightened look on his face.

"What the hell's going on here?" I asked. Bad, bad, bad idea. I have now learned my lesson about being nosy.

So, the customer had asked C for some advice about the vibes when he pointed out a rabbit-shaped one. The girl's boyfriend said "Oh, that would match my cock!" C replied, "Oh, like a tattoo". "Nope, here, let me show you." The guy whipped out his phone, pulled up a picture, and that is when "Holy Crap!" was yelled.

The picture in question was a close up of about 2 square inches of the dude's shaft...and under the skin of said shaft was a lump that sort of resembled the Playboy bunny logo.

"What the fuck is that!?" I asked.

So it turns out, this guy had been in jail for 5 years and I guess since that gives you A LOT of free time he decided to get a little creative with his wiener.

Out of the handle of a toothbrush he had carefully carved a playboy bunny head and with a smuggled in razor blade he sliced his dick skin open and stuffed it in there. No sterilization, no stitches. Just a germ-ridden toothbrush and a band-aid. Now that is prison ingenuity for you!!!

Every time I think about this event it makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Ugh....

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The next event happened a few weeks later, at around midnight on a Tuesday. The store was pretty quiet; a few customers were browsing DVDs, i was tidying up the toy aisles, and my coworker, C, was hanging out by the register when a man in a windbreaker walked in. Mind you, I live in Florida where it is always ungodly hot outside, so wearing a jacket is sort of odd. The guy was sort of acting funny, always looking back over his shoulder at C. That is usually a sign of someone trying to steal stuff and so I went over to the guy as he was standing in the gag-gift section and asked him if he needed help, just to sort of let him know I was paying attention.

Me: "So, can I help you with anything?"
Dude: "What is this?" he asked, brandishing a boob-shaped pacifier.
Me: "It's a joke...its a pacifier that looks like a pair of breasts."
Dude: "How do you use it?"
Me: "You don't really... it's just a gag gift."
Dude: ::blank stare::
Me: "You know, like a joke..."
Dude: ::blank stare::
Me: "Ok, well if you need any help, just let me know."

The guy was a few fries short of a happy meal, so I walked away and started cleaning up a few aisles away from him so I could continue to keep an eye on him because he was clearly acting very weird. The customer wandered over to our display of Liberator pillows and started staring at the TV there. It plays an educational video of a couple showing you how to use the pillows by sort of dry humping while wearing pajamas.

I could feel the guy looking at me, and every time I would look up from what I was doing he would quickly look away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him messing with his jacket, taking an arm out of the sleeve. He kept switching his gaze from me to the TV and back again very quickly. It was creepy as hell.

And then...it happened. I spotted that familiar "fap-fap" motion going on under his jacket...

HE WAS BEATING OFF IN THE STORE! WHILE LOOKING AT ME!

I walked away as fast as I could toward C at the counter.

C: "Is that guy doing what I think he's doing"
Me: "I'd like to hope he's not, since he was staring at me, but I think he is."
C: "Damnit...that's nasty"
Me: "We'll I don't wanna go over there and tell him to stop...he might try to touch me with it!"

So C walked over, told the guy "Man, you gotta go...." and that's just what he did. The creepy masturbator just put his dick in his pants and slowly walked out of the store, no questions asked. Baffling.

And now for some pictures to help you forget about all that creepiness for a while.

Speaking of creepy, this intense-looking dude is on a poster above our fridge. (ed. note: Josie, that's TOM BYRON!)

This porno girl sort of looks like me. Start squintin'!

Bad grammar in porn makes me laugh.

This cockring always makes me think of Little Shop of Horrors. "Feed me!!!!"

"What the fuck is that!!!".... That is a very good question.

While not as good as Baby Anus, Chronica and Scented Kisses (sorta sounds like a feminine wash) are both near the top of my "Favorite Porn Names" list.

For some reason, my shop sells a rabbit-ear shower cap. Maybe it's for furries who have an obsession with cleanliness?

Oh yeah, and that picture at the top of this dispatch? That's me, hiding in the bathroom.

xo Josie Jacobs