So apparently it's new contributor week up in these parts. Not only did we add Mr. Alistair Thrustwell III, today we bring you a complimentary female voice. I'd like to introduce you to Katarina Slit. She's new here and we already like what she's giving...pictures and bio soon folks, yr kinda gonna like the looks of her...Ms. Slit, take it away...

Yo dudes, how many times do you glaze over when your chick says:

1) “We need to talk about us…”
2) “This is what I think you should do….”
3) “Stop being such an idiot and just do it like I want you to!”
4) “Yada yada yada blather blither blother nag nag nag… Etc, etc…”

According to Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, men and women communicate differently (NO, Really?? HOLY SHIT) and must therefore take different approaches when trying to talk to each other.

So, Ladies, instead of saying, “Honey, we need to have a discussion. I want to talk about something. I want to tell you how I’m feeling and then you can tell me how you’re feeling but I’ll then tell you how that’s wrong to feel that way thereby undermining your very existence and I’ll also threaten never to have sex with you again to make sure that you’re paying attention oh yes I will! Don’t believe me? GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!”

Instead, if you focus on the positives, in as few words as possible, you’ll realize that less is very much indeed more.

Here are a few new ways to say the same old shit, chicks. Make your man happy. Then he will make you happy. And happy people get laid. (And if I have to tell you why that’s great, then you should probably go get fucked. For shiz.)

1) Old chick-talk: “EVEN THOUGH I’M BLATHERING ON ABOUT SOMETHING STUPID, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN B/C YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME!!! YOU ARE LUCKY!!! I HAVE SEX WITH YOU OUT OF SYMPATHY SOMETIMES! AND I FAKE IT ALMOST ALWAYS! YOU OWE IT TO ME!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!”
a. New chick-talk: “I love it when you fuck me up the ass like that. Your dick is monstrous!”

2) Old chick-talk: “YOU CAN DO LITTLE THINGS TO MAKE ME HAPPY!! ALSO, I’D LIKE A CHOICE BUT I DON’T REALLY WANT A BAD CHOICE!! I WANT OPTIONS, BUT I WANT ALL OF THEM TO BE GOOD ONES!! THIS IS SO SIMPLE WHY CAN’T YOU DO THIS??”
a. New chick-talk: “Do you want a blowjob NOW, or during the commercial? Wouldn’t you rather get your dick sucked while watching your favorite tight-end ALSO score? Either way, just push my head down when you’re ready.”

3) Old chick-talk: “YOU STUPID IDIOT! CAN’T YOU JUST LISTEN TO WHAT I AM SAYING AND THEN REACT? CHANGE! MAKE IT EASIER ON EVERYONE! EVOLVE, MONKEY!!!”
a. “… slurp slurp slurp…”

For further proof, ask my mother. She swears the only thing that has kept her 30-year marriage from crumbling is regular blow jobs. She recently told me this after a shot of Jameson. Love you, Mom. Thanks for the tip.

TWO

KICK ASS CHICKS 50: NERDY GIRLS