Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of torture videos. I know, I know…the whole “torture porn” boom was like so three and a half years ago or whatever, but y’all can take your Hostels and your Saws and shove them up your poorly wiped ass cracks cause chicks getting their goods violently tarnished…well it’s good clean fun for the whole family and since I’m my whole family…Anyway, I’ve been treated to such delights as tits flogged until they’re bruised and bloody and wrenches roughly dangling from tender clits and been as happy as Jeffrey Dahmer at a finely seasoned teenage boy buffet. But after all the intense straight up fetish shit, I thought I’d go back to my roots in the world of sleaze movies and maybe check out this neo-nunsploitation video I’d heard about. The idea of nunsploitation making a comeback was enough to get that zestfully horny feeling back in my sack. See, I’ve spent many a night chafing my rod to the delightful rape scene in Images in a Convent and the totally naked, tortured on a cross scene from Alucarda and the frontally-whipped with rose-thorn-vines in School of the Holy Beast. So, with unreasonably high expectations, I popped Nympha into the good old DVD machine and prepared for some enthusiastic self-abuse.

My expectations only went up when I realized that the one-and-only Tiffany Shepis (above) would be my soon-to-be-corrupted-and/or-abused inductee into what I assumed was going to be a seriously fucked up convent. Her angel face, soaked in the doorway, brought a smile to my wang when it realized that, soon enough, I would see her naked;. If you’re unfamiliar with tit-bag Tiff and her whole up-and-coming scream queen/girl-next-door mojo well…you’re pathetic and not worth my time. If you do know Tiff, fuck off she’s mine.

In many ways, I wasn’t disappointed. Tiffany does get naked (with bush!) a few times. She’s forced to strip. She hangs out all glisteny and shiny and she’s brought to tears many times. She has hot dyke-sex with a hallucination. Her lezbefriend also has sex with some dude and shows off a sweet pair of fleshy sweater mounds. And, yes, back to the original point, Tiff gets tortured. But, it’s the torture where our disappointment crystallizes. The early scenes aren’t very graphic and the later scenes… maybe too much, but that’s not the problem. The problem is their “tortures” are stabbing her eardrum and melting her eyes with some sort of caustic substance and cutting out her tongue...a particularly brutal scene that took my thoughts straight back to Oldboy…Oh you haven’t seen Oldboy and I just ruined it for you? Well, SPOILER ALERT, you’re a douche. Anyway, these tortures, while cruel and sadistic, aren’t very sexy. A wrench on a clit? Sexy. A bloody face and no eyes? Not sexy. See they don’t torture her tits or spank her sweet ass or shove inappropriate objects into her cooze. We get to see her naked and we get to see her tortured, but we don’t get them at the same time and that, my friends, sucks.

Still, other than the sex/torture divide, there’s not a lot to complain about. OK, there’s a lot to complain about. The music sucks. The story’s incomprehensible. There are some nudity gaps that are way too long, and the whole thing feels like some low-budget made-for-TV Euroshit that you’d see on those triple digit digital cable channels. So, in many ways, the movie sucks, but you do get to see all of Tiffany’s goods (her bush is brown btw) she does have lesbian sex and, frankly, they’re just not making too much nunsploitation anymore, so it’s worth picking up and all, but for Nympha 2…maybe throw in some vaginal stabbing and/or tit torture. Just sayin’.

NYMPHA