Great goblins, if you're looking for one goddamn impressive piece of hardware to stick your ween deep inside, look no further than the Fleshlight.

Soft? Yup. Tight? Yuh-huh. Realistic? You fuckin' bet your ass it is. If it had a little bit of pubis garninshing the hole, I would've thought it was the real thing. You know, if not for the fact that it comes inside a case that looks like one of those real-deal flashlights that cops use. I didn't even realize that I was attracted to lighting equipment until now, and the Fleshlight is far and away, the greatest motherfucking t thing I've ever stuck my wang inside. That includes cheap-o strokers, high-class synthetic vadges and even one or two real-life women. Granted, I've never been with a non-chancred woman, so I can't say for sure that this toy is better than the real thing, but goddamnit if it ain't close.

So let's get specific. What are the pros of this thing?

• First of all, did I mention the realism? Inside and out, it feel like an honest-to-goodness pussy. Stick your finger inside and it feels like you're knuckles deep in a classy prostitute's nether region. Even better, thanks to this awesome synthetic skin they use, it feels like an incredibly meaty vagina, and MEAT BALL's the kind of muthafucka who likes a meaty babe! You know, something that's all engorged from perhaps a few hours of cunnilingus or something. You know how after a few hours of cunnilingus, a pussah can get all red and hot and...shit, I dunno...engorged? That's what this thing's like! Fuck, I spent an hour just fingering the thing and asking if she liked Meat Ball's style before I remembered that it's not alive. Want an even better treat? Run the thing under warm tap water for a minute before balling it. You'll see what I'm talking about, and when you do, you can tell the fleshlight that Meat Ball sent you!

• Anyway, second pro: it's fucking deep. Don't you hate it when you start boning away on a toy, only to hit the back wall (or worse, poke out the back)? I mean, in real life, I don't never find my ween-head poking out the back of something (unless we're talking about Connie, clearly the most diseased prostitute I've ever seen, and that's saying something. She's got that disease where she's not alive anymore but sometimes guys still pay her for sex. Just kidding! Or am I? Yes I am, but seriously, Buckton fucks dead chicks). But my point is, even a dude with a 13-inch wang like me (when you add 9 inches to my ween size) doesn't hit the back wall, and that keeps your wang nice and comfy.

  Shit, that reminds me. These things come with a PVC pipe inside it, to protect the integrity during shipping. Make sure you remove that thing before boning. Otherwise you'll come down with a bad case of bloody-dick, like I did. I popped myself in, and I was all "Is that like, an IUD or something?"

  I repeated the question 10 times or so before remembering that this thing can't talk. Unless you're grooving out on mescaline while you fuck it, which I was.

• Moving on, pro number three! The back of the case screws open, so you can pour your jizz right out! This wasn't an issue for me, because thanks to my incredible gift for restraint, I haven't had an orgasm in over 12 years, despite near-daily masturbation or intercourse sessions. I'm waiting for the right time, and then I'm gonna blow a hole in whatever I'm nailing, unless it's Connie, in which case I'll just enlarge the hole that's already there. But like I said, the back of the thing screws open, which makes cleaning a snap. Anybody who's ever had to clean their manliness out of a toy knows that it's an awful drag doing cleanup after defiling an inanimate object, and anything that can speed up the shame-filled process is well-appreciated.
• Pro number four, when kept in it's case, you can totally beat somebody over the head with it. I totally bludgeoned a neighbor with my sex toy today. (ed. note - POPPORN.com, TLAraw.com and their affiliates do not advocate or support the practice of bludgeoning citizenry with synthetic vaginas. If bludgeoning must occur, we urge you to use a common hammer or baseball bat, neither of which you can purchase from us. Let Home fuckin' Depot deal with that noise, you know?)

As for cons...I'm not quite sure there are any. Sure, this thing's expensive, but it's not too expensive. It's 60 bucks, which is less than I'd pay taking a classy prostitute to dinner and a movie (dinner = 7 bucks, movie = 20 bucks, sex with prostitute = 50 bucks making a grand total of...um...more than 60 bucks, at least). My point is that 60 bucks is a small price to pay for such an enthralling triumph of lonely man's science. I've checked out my share of 20 buck strokers, and this thing is at least three times better. And I'm guessing it'll last quite a while, too. Since I just got it, I can't really speak to the endurance of such a product, but the thing feels god damn solid, and I pound that thing fuckin' hard!

So, that's that, fuckaz. It's well worth the bucks, and you're gonna fucking love it. Can't say it any plainer than that. Keep the change, you filthy animal!

(I stole that last line from Buckton, He stole it from Culkin. I dunno who Culkin stole it from, but he used it on Pesci and Stern, remember? Did I mention that Buckton fucks dead chicks? Just kidding, friends. She was just probably dead!)

MEAT BALL OUT!

PINK LADY FLESHLIGHT