By now, you're all aware of Stoya™'s status as a big-time contract performer with Digital Playground, clearly one of the classiest (if not the apex of class) porno outfits around. They make smut that's so goddamn classy that they don't even need you to watch it, but you should go ahead and watch it anyway. Why? Because it's classy, big-time smut that will make you a better person just by whacking off to it (and because some of it's full of fuck-crazed Pirates, which is second only to ghost fucking, which we haven't seen from them yet (hint, hint)).

You're probably wondering, why all the accolades? Well, we'll admit it. We're plugging the hell out of Digital Playground. Yes, it's because we truly and honestly love the smut they produce (seriously, we group-whacked to Shay Jordan: Video Nasty just this afternoon), but it's also because we're incredibly fucking grateful to the studio for letting Stoya star in our first silent film!

Not that it took a lot of coercing. When we told Stoya we had a role for her starring alongside Rascal Video contract star Johnny Hazzard. Well...shit, you oughtta be well aware of their history by now.

Anyway, this film pretty much speaks for itselt, so we're not gonna ruin it by building it up too much. Let's just say that its greater than one hundred really good suckjobs and more sublime than a three-month-long orgasm.

Now go buy some footage of these two fuckin'. Not fuckin' each other, sadly:

PIRATES 2: STAGNETTI'S REVENGE

WHEN BEARS ATTACK

DEEPER 11

IN HIS DREAMS

Music credits: "Friendly Day", "Gold Rush", "Plucky Daisy": Kevin MacLeod (Incompetch.com)