You’ll all have to excuse Stanko. He’s got a pounding fucking headache and the sun is way too fucking bright. Yes, he’s hungover and yes, he’s talking about himself in the third person, but he’s got a hangover so get the fuck over it.

In case, you’re one of the eleven people who actually saw this shit in the theaters, you can ignore this “review.” But Stanko’s gonna tell the rest of you why he has a hangover. It all started Friday when Brian fucking Bangs called Stanko up and was all like “We’re gonna fire you if you don’t write something. We don’t pay you to comment.” Stanko asked Bangs if he’d like a short snatch review of the hooker Stanko had just given her rock money to and sent away. Bangs was all like “No. We want you to review this new horror movie featuring adult performing superstar (?) Jenna Jameson.”

Don’t know why he phrased it that way, but he’s a weird guy…anyway Stanko digresses.

So Stanko popped this fucking thing in his DVD player and made a pact with himself that he would do a shot of >Popov every time Jenna did anything stupid. Having made this vow, Stanko was flattened real quick, woke up in a pool of his own vomit and fast forwarded through the movie again. Here is a selection of the notes Stanko scribbled down while watching (or sort of watching) this work of “cinema”:

“Christian girl is cute, hope she shows her bush.”

“Where’s Freddy Krueger’s mask? And why isn’t he copping a feel with his spiked glove.”

‘What’s with all the political jokes? If I wanted mindless political commentary, I’d watch MSNBC.”

“Actually, all of the disgusting zombie decay on her face makes Jenna’s repeated botched plastic surgery look better.”

“Finally, after all these years, Jenna eats.”

“Why do these idiots keep going into the champagne room with bitches who are obviously gonna kill them?”

“Damn, it doesn’t look like the Christian girl is going to show anything at all. Fucking tease.”

At least, that’s what Stanko thinks he wrote. He was pretty fucked/hungover and already writes like a 7-year-old when sober. But since he can’t really remember the movie, that’s all he’s got.

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS