It was a tight race with each candidate making lofty promises the other would cast serious doubt upon and speak eloquently, or not so much so, against. Whose constituency was larger, who could snare enough votes from the other to come out ahead. They each made their arguments, they each plead their cases. But in the end there could be just one, one victor, one representative, one glorious champion of the people.

Wait, you don’t think I mean the presidential race do you?

Fuck no. This was larger, literally. This was an epic grudge match in the knock-down-drag-out world of porn competitions that begged the question “who has the greatest tits”? This was about more than politics, more than controlling arguably the most powerful nation on the planet. This was about Booble Girl 2008.

The competition pitted 10 women against one another, each vying for the title of Booble Girl of the Year presented by, well, Booble.com, which happens to be the largest porn search engine on the net, or so I’m told. Along with the title the top-online-vote-getter (hyphens are my new thing, can you tell?) would receive $5,000 cash-money (alright that one was gratuitous) and I suppose bragging rights amongst their fellow silicone aficionados.

Just a quick note, the article I was reading on Adult Industry News said something like “...it was a 2 girl kitten brawl who pulled away from a litter of 10”. Let me just take a minute to say, what a real creepy, vomit-inducing description of the events that took place and a piss poor excuse for writing, I’m not sure who wrote it but they should be taken out back, behind the tool shed, and put out of their misery Old Yeller style.

Anyway, while there was a large stable of contestants it quickly became a two-horse race between the incomparable Tera Patrick and MILF extraordinaire Vicky Vette (see that’s the kind of stylistic writing you want to see in porn) with each pulling away from the field by several furlongs and holding substantial leads going into the final turn (I can go all fucking day, does anybody else want to make cheesy fucking kitten references?). But as the competition wore down Tera made one more last ditch effort to try and corral (I’m going to stop with the horse racing terminology now I promise) enough votes to top Vette in the final tally. With only a few days remaining until the winner was to be proclaimed Tera came out and pledged that if she were to win she would donate the five grand to Breast Cancer Awareness Benefits Everyone (B.A.B.E.), a non-profit women’s charity. Tera told AVN, “B.A.B.E. is a wonderful organization and I can’t think of a better group to receive the money. After all, we all love breasts and if I am named Booble Girl of The Year, then I want to the money to go to a group dedicated to protecting breasts and women’s health issues”.

Not so fast said Sticky Vicky. Ms. Vette criticized Patrick for what she considered to be shady and underhanded tactics. According to Vette what Tera was doing was “pandering for votes” and that while B.A.B.E. may be a worthwhile cause she did wonder why their website hadn’t been updated in over a year and why their only scheduled event occurred in 2007 and there was no way to buy tickets for anything in the future.
Patrick’s publicist responded to Vette’s allegations saying that she was able to verify that it was an active charity and that the reason there hadn’t been any updates was because the founder of the charity had taken some time off to care for her ill mother and…you know what who cares. The point is how great is porno politics? I mean you have mud-slinging, cheap shots, accusations of corruption and fraudulent behavior. It’s like real politics, but with tits and money-shots.

Which reminds me, I could not be more excited for a McCain-Palin ticket. Don’t get me wrong, at first I was hoping for a McCain-Lieberman nomination just because anytime you can have a ticket where the combined ages of the presidential and vice-presidential candidates is over or hovering just around 200 you just have to go with it. But now that he’s picked her I think this is setting up to be a really interesting election. It’s not like I’m going to vote for McCain anyway, but Palin just brings that extra bit of bullshit to the Republican ticket. I was going to make a joke about the shit-storm in Minneapolis but the fucking Daily Show snatched it away before I even had a chance to put pen to paper. And I know, I know it’s an obvious joke and no I don’t think I’m brilliant for having thought of it, I just wish I’d gotten to it first.

I do suppose however that the Republicans in all their hypocritical wisdom have decided not to attack Obama for his inexperience anymore, you know, now that they’ve selected a vice-presidential candidate who as Fred Thompson put it “governed the largest state in the union” but still ranks just ahead of North Dakota, Vermont, Washington D.C. and Wyoming in terms of population." And seriously what the fuck is with Alaskans and naming their children ridiculous things. Track, Trig (who was diagnosed with Down syndrome in utero but Palin decided to have anyway), Bristol (pregnant), Piper and Willow? Is there even enough room in the White House, once McCain dies which you just know he’s going to do, for this Brady Bunch of religious fundamentalism? Not to mention Bristol’s baby’s father who plans to wed the 17-year-old expecting mother. I mean do you realize that Trig is going to be literally months older than his nephew or niece? And I know that type of shit happens all the time, and I don’t particularly see anything wrong with it, I just never though it’d happen to a vice-presidential candidate in the midst of an election year.

And please don’t think I’m against people having children either. As far as I’m concerned it means people are getting laid and I consider how much sex a nation’s occupants are having at any one time to be a benchmark of that society’s success. It’s just that the Republicans are using this family’s procreation as a justification for their bullshit positions on ethical and moral issues. Like Bristol having a child or Palin herself popping out a kid she knew would have a disability proves a point. Hey everybody look at us, we’re so against abortion that we’re cool with bringing handicapped children into the world even if we know in advance they’ll probably never be able to lead truly fulfilling lives due to a severe impairment as long as it makes for a wise PR move and coincides with our strict religious values. What’s that? No, we have no problem preaching about abstinence as long as when our minors, who weren’t paying attention in the sex-ed classes we’re trying to do away with anyway, do get pregnant they make the “responsible” decision and raise the child as a member of our grossly unqualified and oddly-named brood. And before you give me shit, I know that “fulfilling” is a subjective term and many handicapped people are able to lead very full and active lives. And no I don’t think Down syndrome is a death sentence or any of that shit. But these people (Republicans like Palin and McCain) are against abortion regardless. It doesn’t matter to them whether or not the child is in danger or if the mother was raped and became pregnant as a result. They don’t love children. The truth is they could give a shit about “life”. What they care about is their morals and pushing them on everybody else. It doesn’t matter to them who suffers, as long as their actions fit in with their particular interpretation of the Bible. I guess that’s the real hypocrisy. Claiming to be the more ethical of the two parties when in reality their ethics have more to do with the church than any real love for humanity. Seriously, could somebody please tell me how that’s moral or how that’s what Jesus would do! Have you people actually read the Bible or did you just select a couple passages that you thought sounded good and run with it.

It pains me to say it, only because I hate reality shows, but when they lose (and if there is any god whatsoever, Jesus, Jehovah, Buddha, whatever, they will) wouldn’t Palin’s family make for quite possibly the greatest reality TV family of all time. Fuck Hulk Hogan, I want to see what happens when Bristol’s baby-daddy punches her in the face (he’s a self proclaimed “fucking redneck”) enraging Trig and his brother/nephew and forcing Piper and Willow to jump on his back as he screams “I wanted to fucking leave Alaska, you’re the one who made me stay, I could be riding dirt bikes (which he loves by the way) in California by now if you just would have let me use a fucking condom you fucking bitch”.

Wow, now that was a tangent. Where was I? Right, so when the dust settled Vicky was crowned the winner, having outpointed Tera by roughly 2,500 votes. The 43-year-old Vette expressed surprise at having topped Patrick and thanked her “Band of Pervs” for thrusting her to victory. Vette, well known for her interactive exploits via popular social networking sites and her very own VickyAtHome.com where fans are able to chat with the “Viking Vixen” and even purchase cam shows had this to say about her triumph. “Rest assured, I am overjoyed to be named Booble Girl of the Year and I look forward to exposing my Boobles as much as possible all over the internet for socially uplifting reasons”. Well spoken Vicky, well spoken.

And just one more quick thing. I know Palin is a pretty good speaker. But if you decided to vote for McCain because she’s able to make a speech you should have your ability to vote taken away. It’s just not about how good of an orator you are, it’s about how well you’d be able to lead the nation. Hell, give me a candidate with a stutter and a lisp so long as they represent the right type of ideals in Washington. Speeches may be a large part of the campaign process and even a presidential job requirement but there are some big stakes in this election and it should come down to more than blowing kisses and making quips.

You know, I was also going to say how the RNC was whiter than a Kenny G concert but once again a certain show beat me to the punch. They didn’t use those exact words or anything but that was the general gist. And they must have been the two easiest jokes to make in the history of cheap political humor so I’m not upset about it or anything but really shouldn’t these shows be working harder. I mean I count myself amongst their fan base but if I’m thinking of the same jokes, well then what does that really say for them. Of course, I suppose it could just mean I’m fucking brilliant. And just think, you all get to read my shit, you lucky bastards.