Let me start this out by saying I’m not a cocksmoker. (notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat) Have I smoked cock? Sure. Maybe… once or twice… for money, food and maybe for drugs. Needless to say, it wasn’t my cup of tea so I gave it up after an experiment or two.

But don't let that allow you to think that I think watchin' dudes fuck isn't awesome.. because today we’re here to pay tribute to the unsung heroes of the straight porno world. These are the dudes that taught us how to fuck, for better or for worse. Without further ado, here are my TOP 5 DUDES IN PORNO…and probably of all time too.

5. TOM BYRON

From his early days as a fresh-faced, big- coiffed fuck machine to his current stint directing top-notch buttfucking and ass-lickin' flicks, Lord Byron rarely disappoints. He looks like the dude you bought fake weed off of in 9th grade and then threatened you with a butterfly knife when you asked for your money back... or maybe one of those switchblades that was actually a comb. You’re a class act, Byron…although, we wish he woulda kept his fucking stache…you know, like a real man.

4. MIKE HORNER

This guy just fucking rules. No ifs, ands or buts. You don't think he rules? Then explain this! Every single geek that has gotten laid since the ‘80s owes it to one man and one man alone… and that’s Mike fuckin’ Horner! This is the man that taught women (when they still watched porn) that lanky, nerdy dudes could stick it to ‘em just as well as morons with muscles. The only thing that would make this guy better is if, after satisfying a young minx, he would utter the phrase – “Don’t mention it, baby. You just got Horned.”

3. EVAN STONE

Not only is Evan Stone one of the great comedic performers in adult today, but he’s got what is possible the longest scrotums we’ve ever seen. Not only that, but it takes a lot of fucking guts to be the dude who not only rocked the Fabio look when people actually knew who Fabio was, but continues to rock it years after the Fabio flame has long burnt out. We also heard that he hates to go anywhere without weed and once he rammed a bag up his ass to take to Europe but then got really pissed when he realized his stash smelled like poo. Kudos, Mr. Stone. Kudos!

2. STEVEN ST. CROIX

First of all, his last name is ST. CROIX. That just fucking rules. Why does it rule? Fuck you, that’s why! Second of all, this dude makes the best, “I’m gonna cum” faces we’ve ever seen in our lives. I suggest watching his masturbation/dream sequence scene in I Dream of Jenna 2 for the penultimate cum face… it makes the shittiness of the rest of the movie worth it. Third of all, he’s performed under the stage name, Jean-Luc Goddard?! ‘Nuff said. Like every dude on this list (except maybe Byron), St. Croix can act with the best of them. Now all we need is a St. Croix/De Niro cop movie called “Steam Blast” or maybe “Meth War”. I’ll be done with the script one of these days.

1. RANDY SPEARS

What can we say about Randy Spears that his sex-making can’t say for itself? He is the best adult actor of all time. Watching him perform (not fuck, perform) makes me want to be a better man. The man writes, directs, stars, fucks, cums and he is a master of all. If Alfred Hitchcock was alive today, there’s no way that he could outfuck Spears. I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make with that statement… I just really felt that Randy Spears needed to be mentioned in the same breath as Hitchcock… and probably Jesus too... and let's throw in Buddha for good measure.

Santa, too.

FEAST ON THAT!