It is getting to the end of the month and I only have $40 in my bank account. I started to freak out a little. The problem is... I'm lazy. Very lazy. I enjoy sleeping until noon and watching TV until dinner time and lounging in a bubble bath reading magazines at night. I don't want to get a job sitting in an office all day answering phones or shilling ugly teeshirts at some store in the mall. I need a way to make a nice chunk of cash quick without being naked so I can continue to enjoy my mostly-sedentary lifestyle.

So onwards, my friends, to Craigslist's "Adult Gigs" section! It takes some time and patience, but after I weed through the posts looking for whores there are some promising ads, like this one....

"Foot fetish - No exp. needed, no nudity, great pay! (SoFlo)
Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2008-06-19, 12:58PM EDT

Some of our foot fetish models have wonderfully successful careers without ever having to take their clothes off!

- Have you ever had frustrating trouble getting a car started and vigorously pumped the gas pedal trying to make it run?
- Have you ever loudly revved the engine to keep it running or warm it up?
- Do you sometimes get sweaty, smelly feet maybe from a particular pair of shoes?

If you answered "yes" to these questions don't be embarrassed. It's a brand of foot fetish and we want you to model with us.

Pay is $400 per 1 hr. shoot. No prior modeling experience is required but you must be very attractive. Models that do well shoot more than once!

READ BELOW CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU RESPOND!

Only ladies that answer YES to all of the questions above will be considered. You will be required to fill out our application questionnaire (no personal info) and only the best will be hired. It will make no sense for a you to lie about your answers to book a shoot as it will be obvious as you move through the selection process.

Thank you!

Shoots are booking right now!

Emails with link to portfolio, myspace or other online photos preferred. Please note which questions you answered "YES" to in your initial contact.

That seems simple enough. $400 bucks (that's my share of the rent PLUS part of the bills) to try to start some car!!! I replied almost immediately with some PG pictures of me and one simple request, "Please reply with information regarding the name of your company and where I can find some of your previous work online. "

My excitement was short lived. A few hours later I received a response. They had not answered my core question. When I Googled the name of the company they used as their Yahoo.com email address I got nothing. They also included the most ridiculous 16-point "questionnaire" for me to answer. The joy of which is shared with you below:

Questionnaire: Based on our member submissions.

These are questions submitted by our members that are interested in real girls having real car trouble and also have foot fetish.

*Please take as much room as you need to answer thoroughly. Feel free to elaborate even on the smallest details on all questions. Remember we have to form a "script" based on what you were doing and how you were reacting in the situation. The more information you provide the better but there is no need to make anything up since the members like ALL sorts of things. You should try to recall what you did when that car was having trouble starting. Just honestly tell us about your WORST and most SEVERE car starting experience in any car. Obviously it doesn't have to be a car you owned just one you were starting.*

1. A) WHAT IS THE TYPE AND YEAR OF THE CAR YOU HAD TROUBLE STARTING?
B) APPROX. WHAT WAS THE DATE YOU HAD TROUBLE? ALSO, TIME OF DAY OF WORST TROUBLE?
C) IS THE CAR AUTO OR MANUAL SHIFT?

2. A) WAS THE CAR JUST HARD TO START OR DOES IT NOT START AT ALL AT TIMES?
B) WHAT DID YOU DO INITIALLY TO TRY TO GET IT STARTED?
C) WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE CAR THAT CAUSED THE TROUBLE?

3. DID YOU DO ANYTHING LIKE PUMPING THE GAS PEDAL IN ATTEMPT TO START THE CAR? (IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS, EXPLAIN WHAT YOU DID, IF ANYTHING AND SKIP QUESTIONS RELATED TO THAT)

4. A) HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU PUMP THE GAS PEDAL ?
B) HOW MANY SECONDS ARE YOU CONSTANTLY PUMPING THE GAS PEDAL?
C) DID YOU DO THIS BEFORE OR AFTER CRANKING (LIKE PRIMING BEFORE TURNING THE KEY OVER) OR WHILE CRANKING THE ENGINE (IF YOU DID MORE THAN ONE WAY PLEASE ELABORATE)? SEE RELATED QUESTION #15
D) DID YOU PUMP THE GAS IMMEDIATELY THE 1ST TRY OR WHEN DID YOU BEGIN PUMPING?
E) HAVE YOU EVER FLOODED THE ENGINE BEFORE? IF SO, HOW DID YOU FLOOD IT OR HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU PUMP THE GAS TO CAUSE THAT?
F) HOW DID YOU KNOW TO PUMP THE GAS ( LIKE WAS IT AN INSTINCTUAL REACTION OR DID YOU LEARN IT FROM SOMEONE) ?

5. A) HOW MANY TIMES DID IT TAKE TO GET THE CAR STARTED ON THE VERY WORST DAYS(OR HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRIED BEFORE QUITTING)?
B) DID YOU PUMP THE GAS THE SAME AMOUNT AS YOU INDICATED ABOVE EACH OF THE TRIES(OR IF YOU PUMPED THE GAS MORE/OR LESS TIMES EACH PLEASE INDICATE) ?
C) DID YOU ONLY PUMP THE GAS OR DID YOU EVER HOLD IT IN OR DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT? (EXPLAIN WHAT YOU DID)
D) IN THE CASE OF A MANUAL SHIFT – DID YOU KEEP THE CLUTCH PUSHED IN THE WHOLE TIME OR WERE YOU LETTING OFF BETWEEN TRIES (DESCRIBE)?

6. A) HOW FAR DO YOU PRESS THE PEDAL DOWN AS YOU PUMP?
B) HOW QUICK DID YOU THIS? (LIKE ONE PUMP PER SECOND, 2 PER SEC, 3 PER SEC...FASTER/SLOWER?) (IF THAT VARIED PLEASE INDICATE HOW)
C) ON A SCALE OF 1-10,10 BEING VERY HARDEST YOU CAN PRESS, HOW HARD DO YOU DEPRESS THE GAS PEDAL IN? (IF THAT VARIED PLEASE INDICATE HOW)
D) DO YOU PUMP THE GAS WITH YOUR HEEL ON THE FLOORBOARD USING FOOT PRESSURE OR HEEL OFF THE FLOORBOARD PRESSING MORE WITH YOUR LEG
PRESSURE....LIKE WITH YOUR TOES? ALSO, DID YOUR FOOT REMAIN ON THE PEDAL WHEN PUMPING OR LIFT OFF BETWEEN PRESSES?

7. A) HOW MANY SECONDS DO YOU TURN THE KEY AND CRANK THEENGINE EACH TRY (IF IT VARIES DESCRIBE ) ?
B) DO YOU PUMP THE GAS THE ENTIRE TIME YOU TURN THE KEY (OR DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DO)?
C) DO YOU TRY STARTING IT OVER AND OVER WITH NO WAITING IN BETWEEN OR HOW LONG BETWEEN TRIES?

8. A) IS THE CAR EVER HARDER TO START THAN USUAL AND/ORYOU BECOME FRUSTRATED AND PUMP THE GAS MORE THAN YOU SAID ABOVE (LIKE EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS ON THE VERY WORST DAY)? IF YES, HOW MANY WASTHE MAX YOU EVER CONSTANTLY PUMPED THE GAS (REGARDLESS OF FLOODING IT) ?
B) ON HOW MANY OF THE TRIES DID YOU PUMP THIS AMOUNT?
C) WHEN YOU DID THIS,DID YOU VARY IN SPEED AND PRESSURE FROM YOUR PREVIOUS DESCRIPTION (DESCRIBE)?
D) HOW MANY SECONDS DID YOU CONSTANTLY PUMP THE GAS THIS WAY?

9. A) WAS THE PEDAL EASY, MED OR HARD TO DEPRESS?
B) ABOUT HOW FAR DID THE PEDAL MOVE IF DEPRESSED TO THE FLOOR (INCHES)?
C) WHAT AREA OF THE PEDAL DID YOUR FOOT TEND TO STRIKE? (TOP, BOTTOM, MIDDLE OR ENTIRE PEDAL?
D) DESCRIBE THE SOUND THE PEDAL MADE AS YOU DEPRESSED IT
E) WHEN YOU PUMPED THE GAS DID YOU DO ANYTHING LIKE GRIPPING THE STEERING WHEEL FOR LEVERAGE 0R PUSHING YOUR BODY BACK IN THE SEAT?
F) WHEN YOU PUMPED THE GAS DID YOU PUMP SO HARD THAT YOUR BODY OR LEG BOUNCED IN THE SEAT?

10. A) WHEN THE CAR STARTS,DO YOU REV THE ENGINE ANY? IF YES, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU REV IT ON THE VERY WORST DAYS(MAX AMOUNTS)?
B) HOW LONG IS THE DURATION OF EACH REV?
C) HOW FAR DO YOU PRESS THE GAS TO REV EACH TIME?
D) DOES THE ENGINE RUN ROUGH OR REV LOUD (DESCRIBE HOW IT SOUNDED)?

11. A) DOES THE ENGINE EVER START AND THEN DIE AS YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO GET IT RUNNING? IF YES, HOW MANY OF THE TRIES DOES IT DO THIS?
B) DOES THE ENGINE STALL RIGHT AWAY OR HOW LONG DOES IT RUN BEFORE IT DIES? ALSO, CAN YOU EXPALN WHAT YOU WERE DOING , IF ANYTHING, IN EFFORT TO KEEP IT RUNNING AS IT DIED:
C) DO YOU REPEAT PUMPING THE GAS TO RESTART IT WHEN IT DIES?
D) DO YOU REPEAT REVVING WHEN IT RESTARTS ?
E) DOES THE ENGINE START RIGHT BACK UP OR EXPLAIN WHAT IT TAKES TO GET RESTARTED
F) AFTER IT DIES, DO YOU PUMP THE GAS PEDAL AND/OR REV THE ENGINE THE SAME WAY AS BEFORE YOU GOT IT RUNNING OR DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID DIFFERENTLY?

12. A) DESCRIBE HOW THE ENGINE SOUNDED WHEN TRYING TO START IT
B) HOW WAS THE CAR REACTING WHEN TRYING TO GET IT STARTED?
C) IF THE GAS PEDAL WERE A LIVING THING, WOULD YOUR ACTIONS CAUSE IT PHYSICAL PAIN (EXPLAIN)?
D) DO YOU BELIEVE YOUR ACTIONS CAUSED THE CAR MORE PROBLEMS AND IF SO WHAT?
E) DO YOU EVER SMELL RAW GAS WHILE TRYING TO START IT AND/OR SEE SMOKE WHEN IT STARTS?

13. A) RECALL HOW YOU WERE DRESSED DURING THE WORST EXPERIENCE (CLOTHES AND ESPECIALLY TYPE OF SHOES)?
B) WERE YOU SAYING ANYTHING AND HOW WERE YOU REACTING WHILE HAVING THE TROUBLE?
C) DID YOU BEGIN TO BREATH DIFFERENTLY, PERSPIRE OR HAVE ANY OTHER PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS FROM THE TROUBLE?
D) DID THE SHOES YOU WERE WEARING AT THE TIME NORMALLY MAKE YOUR FEET SWEAT AND HAVE AN ODOR – OR DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE HAD FOOT ODOR DURING THIS INCIDENT (DON'T BE EMABARRASSED, IT'S JUST PART OF THE FETISH) ?
E) IF YES, CAN YOU DESCRIBE HOW YOUR FEET SMELL IN THOSE TYPE OF SHOES?
F ) DID YOU PUMP THE GAS SO MUCH THAT IT CAUSED YOU PAIN OR TIREDNESS IN YOUR FOOT OR LEG (IF SO, DESCRIBE)?
G) HAVE YOU EVER REMOVED YOUR SHOES TO PUMP THE GAS PEDAL OR PUMPED THE GAS WHILE BAREFOOT OR ONLY IN HOSE OR SOCKS?

14. *** SKIP TO #15 IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD TO JUMP START THE CAR **
A) HAVE YOU HAD TO JUMP START THE CAR (OR PUSH START IT IF IT'S MANUAL – OR BOTH) ?
B) DO YOU PUMP THE GAS SAME AS DESCRIBED ABOVE WHEN JUMPING IT (IF NOT, DESCRIBE WHAT'S DIFFERENT)?
C) HOW MANY TRIES DID IT TAKE TO GET STARTED WHEN JUMPING IT?
D) WHEN IT STARTED DO YOU REV IT THE SAME AS DESCRIBED ABOVE (IF NOT, DESCRIBE WHAT WAS DIFFERENT)?

15. IN THE CASE OF PUMPING THE GAS BEFORE TURNING THE KEY –
A) ON THE WORST DAYS (THE MOST PUMPING) – HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU PUMP THE GAS BEFORE TURNING THE KEY OVER?
B) DID YOU DO THIS THE FIRST TRY BEFORE STARTING OR AFTER HOW MANY ATTEMPTS?
C) IS THIS IN ADDITION TO PUMPING THE GAS WHILE TURNING THE KEY?
D) DID YOU PUMP THE GAS THE SAME AMOUNT BEFORE TURNING THE KEY EACH TRY (ELABORATE AS NECESSARY)?
E) DID YOU PUMP THE GAS WITH THE SAME SPEED AND FORCE AS YOU DESCRIBE FOR OTHERS (OR EXPLAIN)?

16. UNRELATED TO CAR TROUBLE - ON A SCALE OF 1-10, 10 BEING STRONG ENOUGH TO SMELL IN A ROOM BY OTHERS, HOW STRONG IS THE YOUR WORST FOOT ODOR YOU EVER EXPERIENCED? WHAT WAS THE TYPE OF SHOE AND CIRCUMSTANCE THAT GAVE YOU THIS FOOT ODOR?

Jesus, my SAT's were easier than this questionaire...

So I guess there's no magic video shoot for 400 bucks...just a creepy foot freak looking for some masturbation fodder. At least I got a good laugh from it....but now how am I going to pay rent?

Oh wait, I just got a reply about a ball-busting video...$350 to kick a dude in the nuts for an hour? Count me in!

If you want to donate to the cause or you found me a job, send me an email to me at:

xoxojosiejacobs(at)gmail.com

^_~