Let me start off by saying that we have a lot of respect for adult performers. We are constantly impressed with their professionalism, their personality and charisma, their dedication to their fans and their unbelievable work ethic. In most cases, we find them to be creative, witty, endearingly sweet and most of all, possessing of a natural sense of humor.

However, we are sad to report that it turns out Dana DeArmond, the internets girlfriend or something, in fact, has no sense of humor.

Last week, while working diligently on content for POPPORN.com, we contacted Dana via email requesting an interview. We have been fans of her work since she was sending semi-nude photographs around the internet and stripping in Florida. However, when she started performing, we were stoked. Excited to speak with her we shot her an email hoping to set up a phone interview. Dana politely reponded:

"you can email me questions here"

Hmm, email? We explained in our follow up, if possible, a phone interview would be better since email interviews tend to be dry and one dimensional. Phone interviews allow the converstion to have a natural ebb and flow, but hey, why am I explaining this to you geniuses. Dana, polite but seemingly slightly annoyed responded:

"i rarely do interviews, so if you cant put out the effort to type the questions and send them to me, then dont bother asking."

Now, while we tend to be slightly lazy on Sundays, we consider ourselves to be completely all business Monday thru Friday. Being dedicated to our art, we let Dana know that we would be happy to send along email inquiries. We just thought phone might be more successful. To wit, Ms. DeArmond had this to say:

"i have no problem with emailng back and forth with someone who is respectful and cooperative.
i find having things in writing causes less misquoting and i can choose to not answer certain questions i feel arent appropriate."

Now that, we understood! The sheer volume of emails an adult performer must receive daily from creeps, filled with inane, rude, or downright stupid questions about the adult industry and porn not to mention dedications of love, marriage requests, etc. from total lunatics must be extraordinary. On top of it, this is the internets girlfriend so that must ratchet the number of emails received to, we're guessing now, between 10 and 35,000 daily. With that in mind, we typed our questions out (see, not lazy) oriented them to something deeper than just porn and sent them along. What questions did we send? Well, sure, they took on a slightly different direction now that we were dealing with an email interview and Dana was clearly becoming a hostile interviewee but they were still spot on. AVN's own Peter Warren could do no better. So, here they are, or rather, were...oh hell, this is what we sent:

1. What kind of music do you like?
2. What are your feelings on the current situation in the Middle East?
3. Who or what inspires you?
4. If you could be an animal, what would you be?
5. If you had to do a drug, which one would you choose?
6. What was your childhood like?
7. Are you cat person or a dog person? Why?
8. What's your favorite movie? Why?
9. What are your last thoughts or comments?

We thought these were pretty sweet questions that would bore into the very foundation of who Dana is as a person. Questions that would route out what is beneath that alabaster skin and (we think) cherries tattooed above her margaritaville. Plus, anyone who has ever been interviewed knows that the questions we sent are probably the most universally loathed questions to be asked because they are so meaningless. See, that's funny! POPPORN.com knows how to laugh!

Thinking that Dana would totally catch the humor and thus, turn on the charm and give us what we hoped might be the greatest comedic email interview ever, responded:

"This has nothing to do with porn"

Hmm, that was true. Our questions, while hillarious, were indeed, NOT about porn. Could we have misread Dana all along? Perhaps she really only wanted to speak about porn this whole time. Perhaps she truly is the most dedicated performer we had ever encountered. Realizing we had to act quickly, we rethought our approach and quickly delivered a new batch of questions:

1. What porn of music do you like?
2. What are your feelings on the current porn in the Middle East?
3. Who or porn inspires you?
4. If you could porn an animal, what would you be?
5. If you had to do a porn, which one would you choose?
6. What was your childhood porn like?
7. Are you cat person or a dog porn? Why?
8. What's your favorite movie? Why?
9. What are your porn thoughts or comments?

Dana DeArmond, the internet's girlfriend responded:

"um ok. i dont know where you got my email address in the first place. but you can stop using. thanks."

With that it was proven. Dana DeArmond, the internets girlfriend, is totally unfunny. It is a dark day indeed.

With that in mind, you can catch Ms. DeArmond's unfunny sexiness here because we still love her (although, I have a feeling that it's not reciprocated):

DANA DEARMOND'S ROLE MODELING

DANA DEARMOND DOES THE INTERNET