Throughout the years, I have told many a person many a lie about my true profession, for various reasons or another. It’s rare that I do so today, but it can be better to lie in certain cases. Sometimes it was for safety, sometimes it was for the removal of a moral judgment, and sometimes it was out of sheer boredom! It also avoids that awkward “that’s so weird/cool/fun, tell me more, I’m dying to hear you talk about something I’d never dare to do” conversation. I’ve also asked other women in the industry what fake jobs they’ve used, and they’re often the same ones, ironically. The following is a short but, I think, accurate look at the jobs sex workers claim to have:

1. Catering/Restaurant Work
Firstly, it explains the cash. Secondly, it accounts for the odd schedule and sleeping til 2 mentality (which you may do if have a lazy sex worker mentality, or you just sit a very late shift somewhere). And besides, you do go to restaurants with your clients, just not necessary to work as a server.

2. Nannying
Not one I’ve ever used, but I can’t see it as a bad option for some. For starters, it inverts the perversity of your job: cute children instead of perverted old men? I’d say they pretty much live on opposite sides of the spectrum. This job also explains the odd stagnation of work you might have.

3. Freelance…Anything!
In my case, it’s always nice to pick a job that you already do as a buttress for that other, more bizarre one you have. And usually when you say freelance writer or freelance graphic designer or freelance whatever, people don’t ask anything else. Mostly, I think, because they could really care less in the end. I mean, does anyone actually believe you can live solely off freelance work, unless you’re published in the NY Times?

4. Massage Therapist
As I’ve learned before from a former sex worker turned massage therapist, they hate it when we use this one. But a girl’s gotta have a story! And as much as we don’t like to admit it, some sex worker’s sessions can feel a lot like a massage therapy session. In my case, it’s a sadistic massage at best, but I digress…

5. Owning Your Own Business
Well…you do, sort of! This one requires a little more backstory than the previous ones, since people usually like to know about such ventures in detail, but as we all know, sex workers can be brilliant storytellers. And sometimes lies like this are great ways to try on a new life and see if it fits – even if it’s not a real one.

So, ladies (and gents, too), when choosing a fake job to project to others, stay consistent, remember which stories you told who, but most ideally, make it sound as boring as possible so no one ask questions. Then keep on playing your dirty job day away!