We just heard about the Lair, a new "fetish playspace" that'll be debuting at this year's Adult Entertainment Expo! Boy, that sounds like it's gonna be scary and gross, doesn't it? Of course it does, but don't be a pussy! Shit's gonna be off the fuckin' hook (except for any hook-related fetish exhibitions, obviously)!
According to whoever wrote the email I got, the Lair is "the place to be if you have been curious about the BSDM lifestyle", which comes as a shock to most of us, who assumed the best way to learn about kink and fetish was to hide outside Bobbi Starr's house and look in her windows while she electrocutes girls' beaves and stuff like that. Guess we were wrong about that, but whatever!
In the lair, you will be forced (we assume) to learn firsthand about the true BSDM lifestyle. You'll experience the joys and sorrows of having stuff crammed up your dickhole. You'll send your balls on a tumultuous journey of discovery through cauldrons hot candle wax and sub-zero liquid nitrogen. You'll learn the true ways of the "bug chaser" lifestyle by having STD-ridden ex-porn-players (recently outlawed by Prop B's passage) pop their chancres and sores onto your face while some creepy dominatrix yells at you and tells you what a bad person you are. You'll find truth, honestly and pleasure in the forbidden act of not getting boners (with the help of male chastity devices). You'll be forced to piss inside a thimble and then drink it. You'll be choked the fuck out by James Deen. You'll fucking live, man. And you just might die.
Or more likely, you'll have to listen to somebody reading aloud from 50 Shades of Grey while you're being coerced into buying a whip or a blindfold or something. You fuckin' think we know what's waiting for you inside the lair?! Get real, Dabone!
Honestly, all we really know is what we've been told, that the Lair will "ignite and explore the plethora of fetish interests that exist". Whatever that means. To us, it's really just a way to kill time until the real event - the performance by hip-hop superstar Tyga at the awards show - occurs.
Not that we won't venture in and broaden our sexual horizons while we're there. Hopefully by having our nipples shaved off and then glued back on with somebody's jit (which happens to be a new fetish called "jitnipping" - something you could learn about in the lair).
We'll be waiting for you...IN THE LAIR!