After yesterday's article where we reported about a recent investigation into the richest people in porn, we felt it only responsible to turn the page and delve into the darker financial underbelly of the adult industry. Our goal? To discover, expose and ultimately assist those who are in need of help.
Thus, today, we give you: The poorest people in porn.
Its long been thought that pornography was a recession proof industry. One that lets idiots become as rich as kings as long as they have the stomach for the content. However, as has been reported time and time again, since the economic collapse of 2008 and its coinciding with digital piracy taking every pornographer (and awesome R&B crooner) to the cleaners, pornography is no longer the cash cow it once was. In fact, to an outsider, after closer examination the porn industry might look like any other hustle where people barely eek out a living.
While not all has been lost (clearly some folks continue to bring home significant paychecks and secure sound investments in leather handbags, fancy sports cars and dietary supplements) it's far more accurate to describe the porno industry as now being flooded with homeless people begging for a dollar.
In most instances we wouldn't care. After Ann Romney's speech the other night we're now Republicans and recognize this economic collapse as God's way of helping out. However, it must be said that many of these derelicts are our friends. Well, were. We don't really groove on poor people.
While there this list could be exponentially larger, we decided to focus on five notable names on the list of poorest pornographers.
DANE CROSS: When you look at Dane Cross, many words come to mind. Dweeb. Goober. Pantywaist. Mega-dork. Sissy. Coward. But what you may not know is that Dane Cross is incredibly poor and in severe debt. Much of this goes back to when Dane started out in porn. Not surprisingly, Dane was a virgin and desperate to try sex. So desperate in fact, that he signed an agreement to actually pay studios to let him perform in their movies. He immediately put his entire Thundercats action figure collection on Ebay, borrowed money from family and friends, and began selling his plasma to blood banks on a weekly basis. We’re not sure how much longer Dane will be able to afford to keep on performing, but we do know he is poor. And a huge wuss.
MIKE QUASAR: While it’s easy to assume that Mike Quasar’s millions were wasted on charter flights to Alberta, Vancouver, Minnataki, Abbotsford, North Vancouver and Saskatoon, you’d actually be wrong in assuming it. See, in the early 2000’s, Mike took the initiative, earned a pilot’s license and bought a moderately-priced airplane to ferry him back and forth to his native Canada whenever the urge struck him. He even occasionally takes freelance piloting jobs shuttling Hockey veterans and Canadian television stars to the USA to be ridiculed and egged by unemployed Americans at tea party rallies.
The real reason behind his financial ruin? It’s a pretty simple case of poor investments. Shortly after being arrested for flying while drunk (which carries a standard sentence of 3 months in a Canadian jail), Mike had the lofty idea to open his own chain of commercial Canadian prisons. He would buy prisoners from the government and then force them to work in exchange for leniency when it came time for parole hearings. A brilliant idea, if not for the sad fact that Canadians just aren’t very good at crime. Mike wasn’t able to keep the cells filled at more than 21% capacity at the height of his success and eventually had to shut the whole deal down. It cost him millions (and led to the eventual estrangement of his secret illegitimate son, Carl Quasar, who now lives in Philadelphia and occasionally writes for POPPORN).
DIRTY HARRY: Dirty Harry, once one of the richest men in entertainment en masse (let alone in pornography) faced a series of court battles against a multitude of plaintiffs simply for being, as the plaintiffs put it, “a dirtbag”. While you’d think there’s no legal recourse against dirtbaggery, the courts ruled against Harry in every single instance. He’s appealed his cases many times, citing that it’s absolutely, completely, one-hundred percent legal and morally acceptable to be a dirtbag, but the judges in every single case were so disgusted simply by his presence that he was ruled against without even getting a chance to state his case.
He’s also beaten and robbed by Clint Eastwood roughly once a month.
HAROLD CRUDMYER: While not a name everyone will recognize, we're certain the work of Harold Crudmyer has been felt by even the most casual of porn fans. Crudmyer, born and raised in Erie, Pennsylvania was responsible for inventing, designing, patenting and marketing the word, "cum". Imagine a time when adult film stars were referred to as, "Semen Dumpsters" or "Ejaculate Hounds" or a movie was titled "Amateurs Come Harder" which doesn't even make sense. Harder is a verb not a noun! Where are they coming to?
As you can imagine, the man who invented and patented the word cum was rich beyond his imagination and from those three letters an entire industry sprung forth, puns foaming at the mouth. Unfortunately, in 2008 a bad land deal caused Crudmyer to wind up in Las Vegas trying to save what money he had left. Putting his legacy on the line at a late night poker game in the Playboy penthouse at the Palms Hotel and Casino, Crudmyer lost his rights to those gloriously placed three letters and as of April 2012, Crudmyer was living in Canoga Park behind Remmet Studios in a one bedroom rental.
The winner of that now infamous Las Vegas poker hand? A fella named Hiram Phineus Manwin. Also known as, Fabian Thylmann.
MR. MARCUS: One week ago we would have featured Mr. Marcus on our richest porn star list. Not because he had the most money or boats, but because he was a friend to all, with a good heart and a rich soul. Then he gave everybody syphilis.
For years, Mr. Marcus built up a prestigious catalog of films. White Chicks Gettin’ Black Balled 22, Azz and Mo Azz 13, White Girlz, the Mamacitas Trilogy, movies we all know and love. And he threw it all away. Now when we go back and watch My Baby Cheatin’ & I Busted Dat Bitch 2, we can’t enjoy his once unparalleled fuck action because we’re too busy looking for chancres. Mr. Marcus is currently blowing through the last of his dollars, on the run from all the white chicks, black bitches, and mamacitas that he might have infected with his now bankrupt loads.