Given my slowly simmering distaste for my country coupled with a growing boredom of explicit sexuality, I've found that the summer Olympics have hit at a very appropriate time for me. They've provided me ample time to examine more chaste forms of beauty from exotic lands.

Thus, I've decided that based on the absolute beauty that is Aliya Mustafina, I'd like to move to Russia and become a Muslim.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I have some creepy, sexual attraction to this young lady. She's only 17 for God's sake. All I'm saying is that, truly, she is a beautiful young woman who is talented, graceful, intelligent and has an attitude to match. For me, the most attractive assets any woman can have.

I've found myself watching a surprising number of hours of female gymnastics thanks to Mustafina, a sport that I could care less about. But her performances impressed me so much that I found myself rooting out loud at my TV hoping she would beat those lousy Americans and their sick perversions.

Unfortunately, it was not to be. Mustafina ended with a Bronze medal in the women's all-around competition. Her nerves seemed to get the best of her while doing her balance beam routine resulting in a score she could not recover from. But at least she beat out that capitalist bitch Aly Raisman.

None the less, I just wanted to take a moment to profess my admiration for this young lady. I'm a fan and now, plan to defect, convert and spend the rest of my life trying to serve Allah.

All thanks to the 2012 Summer Olympics.

Here's a video I made in honor of Mustafina. Enjoy!

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ORAL OLYMPICS