Valerie Pokorny is an unfortunately named Catholic who teaches people when not to fuck and brainwashes young female children into thinking their vaginas are sacred vessels for babies that belong solely to Jesus.

Her op-ed published on CNN.com, Contraception Denigrates Me as a Woman, is best read in a sarcastic voice, or the way college students read slam-poetry when trying to find their voice as an individual. A rational thinking person will find themselves convinced for the first half that this is a piece of satire that happens to fall under Poe's Law. In fact, I'm still not convinced it isn't.

Pokorny is, according to her bio, "actively involved in marriage preparation programs, natural family planning instruction and chastity education in the Archdiocese of San Antonio, Texas."

If you're the type of person who believes that people are going to abstain from a biological instinct that causes them intense pleasure, then you're also the type of person who is an idiot. But instead of teaching young people how to safely have sex and protect themselves from disease or unwanted pregnancies, the Catholic Church has always done a real stand-up job of telling them that contraception is a big sin. These scare tactics result in anal sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation and lots of loop hole orgasms, and then eventually, lots of babies.

Pokorny says she tries to teach these young girls that they have the "genius of women," which is basically saying, "You are a baby-machine." She shows them how pop culture is ruining their genius by showing them trash magazines that sexualize women. She wouldn't be the first person to say that these kind of magazines portray unrealistic expectations of women, but she does this amazing thing where she pulls in Obama's contraception mandate and twists it all around.

"The Obama administration’s primary talking point on this issue is that “Every woman should be in control of the decisions that affect her own health.”
I agree. 100 percent.

But from there, the defense sounds like slick advertising for the contraceptive industry: To be a healthy woman, you need contraception. All the successful women use it. You can’t live without it.

Should I so easily accept the implication that I need to alter a part of myself that’s working properly in order to be free or fulfilled?"

Amazing! Is she really trying to say that if everyone, including employees of hospitals and universities with a religious affiliation, had access to free birth control, they would somehow be tricked into using it (and going to Hell!)? You know, sometimes, someone hands me a coupon for a free taco from Taco Bell, but I find Taco Bell denigrates me as a human, so I don't use it. That's my choice. The option is there, I choose not to use it. If someone wanted to, they could.

The point that most sane people try to make is that everyone should have access to the kind of reproductive healthcare they choose. If you choose to bareback it, that's up to you, but not everyone should have to bareback because some people believe an invisible man in the sky who turns tasteless wafers into human flesh and shit box wine into human blood demands it so. Some people don't believe in an archaic book written a really long time ago and translated and retranslated. Those people should not have to be punished for what they believe is the mythology of others.

Do you want to know why women who use contraceptives are successful? Because they don't get stuck being mothers when they're 22. Because they take control of their bodies and they have fulfilling sex lives while pressing higher education and careers… you know, like normal people.

But it should be of no surprise to anyone that Pokorny doesn't believe in the sexually liberated woman any more than she believes in the woman who would choose to choke out her fertility.

"To me, this exerts pressure tantamount to that felt by women who purge after eating to attain or maintain a particular body image. It encourages women to think that their value is somehow intrinsically tied to how sexually available and desirable they are.

I thought the whole moral obligation to fulfill a husband’s sexual needs was a thing of the past... but alas, it’s been repackaged for a new secular generation. Women are still evaluated heavily on the basis of their uninhibited sexual availability, which contraception ensures precisely by severing women from their fertility."

Nothing makes me want to purge quite like her opinion. Once again, she's arguing feminism by being completely sexist. What about women who want to be uninhibited and sexually available? What about the Sadie Hawkins of our secular generation who want to go to the bar, meet a man and get laid. Asserting that a woman's sexual desire is somehow less than a man's is sexist. Some women like to fuck, and all these religious prudes are just going to have to get over it. Tricking women into thinking that their sex is a sacred gift and they need to hold onto it else face a whore stigma, or that no one will ever want to marry them, or that it is somehow wrong to exert a strong sex drive is just as outdated and ridiculous as guides to being a good wife for your working husband. There is absolutely nothing similar about a woman choosing to use birth control and a woman who pukes up her food. She does note, however, that women who use birth control for health reasons get a free pass. What I really love about religion is the ability to pick and choose and make things up.

She goes on to talk about how birth control is just an excuse for people not have to exercise self-control, and how couples who aren't ready to procreate can simply use a "modern fertility-awareness" method, which is what my parents used, which is also is why I have an 8-year-old brother. So, basically, you would only have sex during times which you were infertile, and when you were ovulating, you would abstain. Or do it in the butt. Or something. Except that in Catholicism, you're not supposed to do that either. And under no circumstance should you wrap your partner's dick up in a thin sheath of latex to catch the sperm and thereby avoid unwanted pregnancy. You should just put on some Righteous Brothers and make a pot or something, or pray. And sometimes the rhythm method doesn't work, and that's called a miracle. Or a really big fuck-up.

"I'm all for the progress of women," Pokorny concludes, as long as that progress goes hand-in-and with what her model of Jesus and an organization made of up men that don't allow women to be in charge say.

As a woman who has not yet reached menopause or procreated, as a woman whose womb is as childless as McDain's Restaurant, I am constantly being asked when I'm going to make a baby. The answer is "Never." As in, the same answer I give to, "When do you think you'll be addicted to crack?" Or, "When do you suppose you'll amputate your leg?" As in, I never want to. And while any of these things could happen, I suppose, they aren't likely to and I have no intention of doing these things. But when I say I never want to have a baby, people always respond with something as blunt as, "I don't believe you" or "Give it time."

People like Pokorny and other assorted morons need to understand that a woman's purpose in life isn't to have a baby. Our world is overpopulated. Some women would make bad mothers. And those people are probably going to want to have sex. Maybe a lot of it. And they should have the right to use the modern miracles of contraceptives -- something that is about as unnatural as pacemakers, computer, toasters and cars, i.e., other things we use and do not condemn -- to have as much consensual sex as they so desire. And it doesn't lessen a woman to want it, or to have it, with whomever she chooses for whatever reason she desires. And it's high time employers stopped imposing their religious beliefs on others when denying these rights in their health care policies.

And besides: your last name is POKORNY.

Here's some links to porn.

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THE INNOCENCE OF YOUTH

I WANT YOU TO MAKE MY MOUTH PREGNANT 2