A few weeks ago we posted a couple articles wherein we tried to decide whether we would prefer to have sex with a selected adult performer or eat one of our favorite foods. To most people this would seem an absurd competition but as we are somewhat older gentlemen with control over our penises, choice is something we appreciate.
Sex is awesome, don't get us wrong, but have you ever had a fuckin' boss plate of Nachos?
Above, you will see a photograph of adult starlet, Lily Carter. We've been passively e-stalking her as of late (which amounts to random yelps her way on twitter and of course trying to hack into her bank account) and thought that if put to the food challenge, she might confound our judges. Our judges being, well...me. Not because she's attractive (which clearly she isn't as proven in this earlier POPPORN report) but because I believe that she probably likes chocolate chip cookies.
You see, I really like chocolate chip cookies.
The photo above, lifted from Lily's personal website, depicts our protagonist after an all night masturbation session. We haven't stayed up all night since the last time we did enough coke to kill a small stallion (which we did accidentally) but we assume she had a lot of fun. Nevertheless, we're uninspired by her all night, solo-sex marathon because frankly, anyone can do that. I could be half asleep and still manage to work my way thru a couple solo shots just for laughs. But not everyone loves chocolate chip cookies.
You see, some idiots prefer oatmeal raisin.
If there has ever been a more pathetic excuse for a cookie than the oatmeal raisin I ain't heard of it. Fashioned from the food stuffs that supply additional years of poop evacuation to the elderly, oatmeal and raisins alone are despicable. Forced together into an unholy matrimony of confection does not shroud their horror. It only exacerbates it by trying to make it fun and, "for kids". When I say kids, I mean me.
Fuck you oatmeal raisin cookie, fuck you.
We're not sure why we feel that Lily Carter loves chocolate chip cookies, we just know she does. That's why we're intrigued by her and why we will continue to admire her from a creepy distance. Because at the end of the day, it's not a fucking zombie apocalypse we're worried about over here, it's assholes trying to excuse the vomit that is the oatmeal raisin cookie.
Lily is on our side, she will fight beside us and when the fighting dies down a bit, she will allow us to put our weeners in her because it's cold out and we don't want to catch a chill.
She's awesome like that.