Today, Elegant Angel (one of our most favorite studios) announced a new line they will be releasing called Best New Starlets. While this may not be a shockingly original concept given porn's tendency to obsess over all things, "new" it's pretty spot on when Elegant Angel does it because...well, it's Elegant Angel.
Following closely in style to their already popular, Performers of the Year, this series will search out and spotlight those professional humpers that, in Elegant Angel's mind, shine a bit brighter than the rest of the professional heathens out there in porn valley thanks not only to their beauty, but also because of their personality and sense of adventure.
We can only assume Best New Starlets 2012 will be released sometime in 2012.
Gracing the cover of this upcoming showcase release are successful fuck makers Jessie Andrews, Holly Michaels and Lily Carter. Rounding out the lineup are Lily LaBeau and Skin Diamond. While we're fans of each of these young ladies we'd be by lying if we'd said we'd actually seen any of them perform. Hell, we even shot Lily LaBeau in our Official Revenge of the Nerds Parody and we totally didn't watch her "s the d" or nothing.
Logically, you might want to ask us why we haven't watched these young ladies have sex when they seem so clearly intent on trying to let the entire modern world view the detailed curvature of their respective vaginal walls. And to that question we must explain that it has something to do with what the industry likes to subtly call, "touch ups".
As reporters, it's important for us to be fair and unbalanced. We dig that. However, in our past, we've tried to steer clear of breaking any "real" news because of our desire to get into the cool clubs and drink free alcohol. Reporting real, hardcore news can be a real drag on ones social life. Piss someone off? Boom, you're off the list. However, at some point, a news source has to break free of such shackles and say, Enough. Truth must be told.
Which is what leads us here...to this precise moment.
Dear readers, the reason we have not watched any of these ladies have sex is because they are NOT who they appear to be. There is a systematic, industry wide cover-up going on that presents women as being more attractive than they truly are. Once upon a time, "touch ups" meant brief air-brushing of an image to hide slight flaws in complexion or lighting. Nowadays? Well let's just say we've gotten hold of the raw images from the Elegant Angel photo shoot for this Best New Starlets 2012 films and we are shocked.
The "touched up" promotional photo.
The raw, unedited photo.
We are sorry to be the bearer of such horrible news. We understand that many of your out once believed these women to be beautiful if not shockingly so. We understand that many of your have masturbated to thoughts of them reaching out to you...holding you, cupping the balls...but life is for living people and living means facts. Cold, hard facts.
Deal with it. They uggz and now you know.