YOUR PORNO'S BROKE: DEAR ABBY

Hey New Sensations, your porno's broke!

We spent yesterday watching Dear Abby, the recent installment of New Sensations' Romance series. While it had some decent fuck action in it, the story spent way too much time dealing with suckers whining about whether or not they could find true love. Seriously, they should call this movie "Dear Blabby", there's so much jeep-honkin' yackin' goin' on in this thing!

Who wants to watch that? Not us, that's for sure.

Lucky for you viewers (and the film's director, Eddie Powell), we took the liberty of fixing the film. We thought it would be a more exciting cinematic experience if ti focused more on things that viewers can relate to, like Grappa, the high-class Italian alcoholic beverage. So we rewrote and re-edited the movie. It's seriously way better now.

Mr. Powell, consider this just a taste of what we could accomplish. For a small fee of fifteen thousand smackers, we'd be happy to fix the rest of your movie.

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DEAR ABBY