It's not often that you can honestly declare someone a hero, but today's a special day.
In a nutshell, Mike Quasar, prominent adult film director and close friend of POPPORN, has finally gotten the recognition due him. He's spent two decades cultivating his body of work, but it's finally paying off, and we couldn't be happier about it. We've always been proud of Mike's cinematic work. That much is clear. But as anyone knows, the act of creating pornographic film is really naught more than a drop in the proverbial bucket when compared to the true test of man as an artist: his ability to drink.
As such, the fact that Mike Quasar has recently been awarded entry into Bevmo's Top 100 Customers, one of the world's greatest (and most elite) alcohol-purchasing groups of our time, is truly cause for celebration.
When reached for comment, Quasar said "POPPORN? Fuuuuck those guys," and hung up the phone. But he also sent us an official press release about the honor, which I would normally paraphrase and everything, but really, this thing is written significantly better than any interpretation I might contribute.
“ I discovered early on in my career in the adult industry that God was dead and
that a life dodging the backswing of a scrotum required more than just nerves of steel; it
required alcohol. For many years I believed that the local liquor store was a sufficient
marketplace for what I so desperately needed and then in the year 2008, I noticed that a
new store by the name of “ Bevmo” had opened in my neighborhood so I decided to
check it out.”
Upon entering what some consider to be the Costco of Booze, Quasar was
overwhelmed and somewhat disoriented at first.
“ I thought to myself, “ This can’ t be real – every type of alcohol that humanity has
ever known and all in one glorious place. For me, it was like a Muslim kneeling before
Mecca for the first time, or a Jew happening upon a liquidation sale”
Quasar then set upon his journey to become a member of the elite club known as
the “ Bevmo hall of fame” – the top 100 purchasers of a substance that makes average
men believe they are far more attractive than they actually are. The liquid that makes
otherwise sane people believe that an acquaintance they haven’ t spoken too since the late
eighties might suddenly appreciate a phone call at 3am. Quasar takes it as a source of
pride that he can’ t remember his wife’ s birthday but remembers exactly when Bevmo has
it’ s 5-cent wine event.
As one of the industry’ s only functioning alcoholics, Quasar is both humbled and
inspired by this prestigious honor. Quasars’ latest project, the ultimate mojito, will be
completed this coming Saturday.
Inspiring, to say the least, no? We're proud to offer our most sincere congratulation on Mr. Quasar, and to his fiends, loved ones and enemies (but we are hoping that his enemies should die swiftly by his hand as soon as possible). We'd also like to extend an offer of friendship to Bevmo's fine staff, management and board of directors. If there's ever anything the gentlemen of POPPORN could do to further your mission of getting booze into the hands of people. We would most certainly appreciate some sort of mega-shipment of all kinds of fancy booze, like that shit that has gold flakes in it and some of that fancy beer from Europe where they use a cork.
And some of that tequila Sammy Hagar made. That shit knows what's UP.