You might recall that we're dating Lily LaBeau. We secured that arrangement via twitter and sheer will power, however, when we were out in Las Vegas for the 2011 AVN Show, we had the pleasure of actually meeting our love. The internet makes dating pretty darn easy and it seems as tho all one need do is proclaim it and it is so...but it's always nice to have a little face to face time with the girl you're gonna marry.
We shot a wonderful interview with our gal Lily that we'll be posting in the coming days, but this post, well it's not about that interview...
You see, despite our electricly stunning good looks and vast knowledge of all things nerdy and clitoral, we still have low self esteem when it comes to meeting women that we've been cyber-fingering. We talk a big game from behind a QWERTY pad, and sometimes that big game is hard to live up to in real life.
CASE IN POINT:
We can't be entirely sure (since we're drunk a lot), but it's a pretty good possibility that we might have kinda sorta told Lily (prior to our face-to-face meeting) that we were really good friends with Ian McDiarmid and Andy Secombe (for those not in "the know", that's the actor who played Emperor Palpatine of the Galactic Empire and the voice of Watto of Episodes 1 & 2, respectively) and that we were planning on really partying down with these dudes at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. BIG TIME! Now, like any red-blooded American human, Lily was VERY IMPRESSED (and pussy moistened) by this and totally wanted to meet these guys. So, being the douchers that we are, we said "SURE! We'd love to introduce you to Darth Sidious and Watto! Sure!" Once again, we had backed ourselves into a corner... a shitty, shitty corner.
Now, like most alcoholics, as the dates of AEE grew closer we just assumed that Lily would forget about our offer to introduce her to Palpatine and Watto and we'd meet her, shoot a boss ass interview with her, charm the panties off her and she'd live the rest of her short life encased in a POPPORN wang sandwich. Boy, was that too much to ask.
The day finally came that we were scheduled to meet Lily. We didn't know what the fuck to do. Not only were we not in possession of the actors we lied about knowing, but the hookers we hired to pretend they were Palpatine and Watto DIDN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THEM - after we specifically told the pimp that we wanted hookers that looked like a burnt up Darth Sidious and goatee'd Watto. AND we offered him an extra buck! Can't trust a pimp, fellas. Can't trust a pimp.
So, we ditched the hookers... maybe after getting dry hand jobs from them behind Fleshlight's booth... and we headed over to some giant thing which we can't remember the name of to shoot an interview with Ms. LaBeau.
Before we knew what the fuck was what, she gets right in our face and starts yelping (with girlish charm): "Where's Palpatine? Where's Watto?"
There she was, bouncing up and down like a little girl. A bouncy, little girl who's dreams were about to be ruined. Ruined by the same gentlemen who had been cyber-seducing her so well. Promising empty promise after empty promise. We tried our best, honestly we did!
It was then we decided to come clean... well, after thinking about dead pets from our past to work up some tears.
"Lily," we said, "we have some unfortunate news.... we were on our way here with the guys who played Watto and the Emperor... and shucks, they were really excited to meet you on account of their extreme ugliness and addiction to pornography.... and well, we were all ready to meet them in their suite and then come down here to see you when we got some horrible news."
"What news was that, pray tell?", Lily asked.
"Well," we continued, "they both got killed last night by some crooks. We're sorry! They're not coming!"
She looked so disappointed. What the fuck were we gonna do now? How the fuck were we gonna worm our way into this girls labia now??
Then, all of a sudden, she starts laughing. A high-pitched, almost Voldemortian laugh.
"Wait a minute! Why the hell are you Voldemorting at us??" we cried!
"Come on out, fellas" Lily whispered as two shadows appeared from the corner of the booth.
What the shit! It was none other than IAN McDIARMID and ANDY SECOMBE!
"You assholes! I played an Ugnaught in Attack of the Clones and these dudes are my gay godparents!", Lily revealed to us, "I've known them for YEARS!"
We were floored. We were embarrassed. But, we had to hold our ground. If there's one thing that women like, it's to be put in their place and to be told what you're gonna do to them. So, we decided that arrogant confidence was the way to play this one.
"We fuckin' knew that already," we said, "Now let's go in the backroom over there and finger each other."
Watto got real excited because he thought we were talking to him and by this point the Emperor was already asleep... or maybe dead. That dudes like a hundred and twenty four.
Lily thought over our offer for a second, you could see she was weighing over our offer. We'd attempted to dupe her... but on the other hand we are REALLY good looking... and we were kinda being dicks, which girls kind of dig big time.
And then it happened... she embraced us both... dropped to her knees and proposed marriage... to both of us.
So, there you have it. We actually annulled the marriage the next night... before consummation for some reason (whiskey dick) but at least we got to gamble with Watto and watch him loose a shit ton of Republic credits which he blamed on a faulty chance cube.
Hey, you can't win 'em all!