So the other day I was sitting around thinking of what the fuck I was going to do for Halloween weekend. True, I could do what I do every day and drink myself stupid until I fall down the stairs but this year I wanted to do something special. Something I hadn’t done before. Something new. Something exciting. And then it hit me. I’m going to fuck two girls. I mean I’ve done shit like that before but for whatever reason, had never actually copulated (I think that’s a word) with two broads at the same time.
But how to do it?
I had just started fucking this one chick. She’s actually pretty rad. Looks homeless, fucks like a champ, and is really into weird shit. I had to get her involved. I have another chick in DC who I met down at some party who’d come to PA and spent a fuck filled weekend with me over the summer. She was down for anything. It was perfect. Still a location was needed.
Then the stars aligned.
Jon Stewart’s rally. Of course. It was all so simple. I’d been hearing about it for weeks. The girl in DC, we’ll call her Josh, would be there. The girl from here, henceforth known as Zed (why I’m picking male names I haven’t a clue), would want to be there. I’d get them all drunk on political nonsense (and a healthy amount of whiskey) and we would go at it like…something that goes at it a lot. Fuck I don’t know…bunnies.
I had to do it right though. I mean Josh was not an issue. All she needed was notice. She would welcome me into her home like a…again I’m blanking on metaphors. A sheep? Yeah a sheep. A sheep and a wolf. Anyway, Zed was a different issue. She’s sort of the suspicious type. And she has a lot of what we’ll call male suitors. This one I had to entice. So we go out for drinks and I nonchalantly mention that I was considering heading down to DC for the rally, you know, if maybe she wanted to tag along. I could tell right away she was in. By the way, I mention, we’re staying with this girl I used to “hang out with” (I should mention that I love the fact that “hang out with” is universal code for fuck) who you’re going to love. Zed is intrigued.
So the fateful day rolls around. Josh is informed of our impending arrival. Zed comes over. My friend and I pile into my truck and we’re off for the most important sexual, er, political moment of my life.
I should take a moment so that you can fully appreciate this girl. First of all she asks to drive. Proceeds to take her clothes off. Does like 95 the whole way there. And when she needs to piss, pulls over to the side of the highway, gets out of the car (still completely nude) walks to the side of the road and proceeds to piss as cars fly by us with headlights glaring. I don’t know what love is, but this can’t be far off.
So we get to DC. Josh isn’t home. She has what you might call a drinking problem and will not be around for the remainder of the evening. So we crash in her bedroom and wait for the morning. My plan is coming together perfectly.
Before I continue however, let me give you an idea about Josh. When I met her (in DC) she was on a date with some guy. I, however, had the bottle of whiskey and so it was because of that she hung out with me the entire time while he conspired with his friends to try and beat me up or some shit. Sadly, as he was her ride, she left with him but we kept in touch and about three weeks later she caught a bus to PA. It took all of 15 minutes to fuck her and as it turns out 15 minutes was probably the longest break that I had. Hell, this girl was so fucking nuts that one morning we woke up and I offered her breakfast. She politely declined and announced that rather than eggs and bacon she wanted a fucking drink. And drinks we got. Lots of them. I mean this girl has class oozing from every orifice. I know because I visited all of them.
Anyway, so we awake, shower (together, Zed and I), eat some mess of a breakfast dish and meet up with Josh and make our way over the rally. The fucking place is mobbed. I heard estimates of 60,000 people, 100,000 people, fuck it might as well have been a million. It was fucking lunacy. Things actually go pretty well. Ozzy is there. The Roots play along with Sheryl Crowe, the O’Jays and that cum dumpster Kid Rock. Stewart and Colbert handle things pretty well. It’s a nice balance of comedy, music, and genuine thoughtful political content. It wasn’t some heavy handed shit either. Granted the crowd leaned left but really the main gist concerned the culture of fear and hysteria that the media creates. You know “coming up at nine, are your kids in danger of becoming transvestites?”, “coming up at ten, might you be raped?”, “coming up at eleven, how can you prevent the impending nuclear fucking holocaust that’s going to blow the fucking country apart? but first we’ll tell you how much you should fear the next hurricane, high-fructose corn syrup, inoculations, anal sex and coffee mugs made with lead based paint!”. All in all good shit.
So we stay till just about the end but people are getting tired, have to shit, are too hung over and just want to split. So we walk back to Josh’s house, have a few glasses of wine and fall asleep for a few hours. Wake up a couple hours later. Sort of buzzed from the wine and make our way down to some bar whose name I couldn’t possibly recall. Drinks, as they always are, are fucking outrageous but I suck it up knowing victory is within my grasp and we throw back a few glasses of whiskey each (I know, I found two girls who drink as much whiskey as I do—I’ve unearthed the fucking grail) and drunkenly stumble back to Josh’s house. Evidently they’re not done. So out comes the vodka bottle. I chain smoke non-filtered cigarettes and they take shots while we discuss the rally and everything else that occurred. I lay down some heavy shit about the state of the corporate media, the plight of humanity in light of the proliferation of social networking and the general overabundance of reality television, infomercials, Islamophobia, Congressional candidates who dress up as Nazis and gun crazed lunatics patrolling the border and stockpiling ammunition in their underground bunker waiting for the fateful day that the Mexicans finally invade America. And by the way, give me hurricanes, corn syrup, immunizations and anal sex, fuck a coffee cup full of lead, these are the things that scare me. They’re pretty juiced up now.
Josh excuses herself to do something and Zed immediately jumps on top of me. I take her over to the bed and we’re doing this and that when Josh comes back and informs us that its time for bed. So we all undress and they lay on either side of me and we start kissing and rubbing and getting to it. Finally my plan is nearly complete. My long arduous journey has been worth it. Everything in my life until now has been worth it. This is the cathartic moment upon which my reality has been built. Happy fucking Halloween. And then they both pass out drunk.
At least the rally was good.