So, as you may or may not know, National A-1 Internet, known to many as the parent company of VOD porno-goliath Hotmovies got totally raided by the feds last week. Who knew?! This raid caused almost an entire day without porno for the on-demand viewers of hotmovies bazillion VOD porn sites, not to mention TLARAW on-demand, who we might have a little bit of an affiliation with. It was terribly frustrating not being able to whack off for that whole day. I mean, sure, I could have tried to use my imagination, but that thing's obviously not good for too much anymore. If it were I'd be busy making up lies about Mike Quasar and Mick Blue rather than reporting half-assedly on actual news. Is "half-assedly" a word?

Anyway, there were upwards of 100 agents present at the company's offices at 7th & Chestnut streets here in Philadelphia. As far as we can gather, no one's been detained or charged with anything yet, but one guy I know told me that the FBI totally shot three people and killed one young phone operator with a garrote wire. I've obviously got no evidence to back up these claims, so, unfortunately they've got to remain hearsay at the moment. Even though it's probably true. But let me say again: we've got no proof that FBI agents totally probably murdered a few hotmovies employees. So don't go raiding US, you freaking G-men!

Nobody's been quite clear about the reasons for this big-time siege as of yet. Rumors floated around on local news outlets that A-1 had been running a prostitution ring out of their offices, which doesn't sound too far fetched, but heck, we've got nothing backing that up. I, for one, would be really pissed if they had been running prostitutes out of their office for all this time without me knowing it, though. I have to stop by there once every week or so for work, and I'd really hate to know I could've been getting handjobs all this time. I mean, sure, I usually walk a block over to the Asian massage place a get a handjob there on my way back to our offices, but still. It would be nice to be able to kill two birds with one stone.

Authorities apparently removed about a billion boxes of paperwork out of the offices, and probably about a million boxes of porno and lube, too. Why wouldn't they? Again, we're not entirely clear on what they were searching for, and the FBI's being tight lipped as fuck about it, which is totally annoying. They've refused to comment entirely, saying that any information coming from this case would come from the Department of Justice and not from them. They did mention that they're big fans of our site and that they'd really like to see more of those photo essays where Ryan Keely cooks breakfast naked and stuff like that. We told them we'd see what we can do, but Ryan Keely writes for Penthouse now and is clearly too big time for us.

So that's that for now. Maybe it was just a "let's clean up the filth" stunt that somebody wanted to pull before tomorrow's big, dumb election. We're not sure. But we do know that we're writing in "Old man Frady" in every category tomorrow. Except for BUCKTON, who, as a convicted felon, may not vote (not that he wants to).

If you're heading to the polls, we suggest that you vote for POPPORN. And, uh, maybe whack off to some VOD porno as well?

SAW: A HARDCORE PARODY

ADULT SUPERVISION REQUIRED