Here's something you don't hear every day. Milton Berle, known to most as the host of Ballantine Ale's Three Ring Time variety show, has been named CEO of Private Media Group. Who woulda thunk it? I'd planned to throw in some Milton Berle-style comedy zinger along the lines of "top of the world, ma" or something like that, but I actually don't know any famous Berle lines. For shame. Anyway, he's a porn czar now. He's succeeding Ilan Bunimovitz, who held the CEO role since April 2009, when he stepped in to replace, uh, Milton Berle, apparently. Turns out Berle was in charge of the company from it's humble beginnings back in 1991 as a publisher of just one pornographic magazine all the way up until last year, at which point Private was the jizzed-out porn megamonster that it is now.

You may know Private from their high-end European porn films, which often involve girls getting done up the butt by guys with incredible names like Frank Gun or Bob Terminator (not to discount the always enthralling Zenza Raggi, naturally). While I find it pretty damned surprising that Milton Berle had ever served in an executive role at the company, I find it even more shocking that he's taking over as CEO now. Mostly because he's been dead for quite a while. Berle passed away in 2002, from what I recall. I can't say I quite understand what the impetus is behind putting somebody like that in charge of your porn empire, but fuck it, what do I know? Maybe Private's anticipating a zombie craze in the near future (not unlike the current vampire hysteria that's taking the nation by storm following those fucking Twilight movies), and they want to get their foot in the door before anybody else. I couldn't say, but I'm certainly not gonna argue with the folks that brought me all those timeless classics like 6 Teachers Take it in the Ass and whatnot.

Frankly, I'll go ahead and admit that I've got no idea how a dead body's supposed to run a thriving pornography company, anyway. Do they do it Weekend at Bernie's-style where Milton Berle's dead body is actually just being held up by two smarmy twentysomethings or do they actually use long-feared black magic rituals to reanimate the body into a walking-dead state where he can grunts and shove his way through shareholder meetings and stuff? I've got no idea. And I really don't think it's legal anyway.

Anyway, this news should delight my 104 year-old great-great uncle Chester, who's been a somewhat rabid Berle fan ever since his stage debut in Floradora way back in 1920 (and a hardcore porno fan ever since Pierre Woodman's Tatiana trilogy in the mid 90's). He's been saying for years that Berle's a ruthless smut-crazed filth-monger, but I never believed it.

I'm having a pretty difficult time wrapping my head around this. The guy's been dead for, what, eight years now?

Oh, hold on a second. I misread the press release. It's not Milton Berle at all. Berth Milton, an entirely different man has taken on the role of CEO.

Oh, I get it. That's entirely different. And not even all that newsworthy. Shit. And I already wrote this whole article and everything. Oh well. I'm just gonna go ahead and stick with my original story. If anyone asks, Milton Berle, famed vaudevillian and television pioneer, has risen from the dead to lead Private Media Group into a new era of entertainment glory.

Also, did you hear that the Infinity Gauntlet is in the Thor movie? Sure, it's just gonna be a prop in the background of an Odin scene, but still!

Plus, the cosmic cube is gonna be next to it! Fucking righteous or what?!

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