So, last night a homosexual friend of mine brought to my attention an article on Esquire's website about the lovely Ms. Taryn Thomas and the war between her version of Jersey Shore and ours. Check it out here - it's a good fuckin' read and you can browse their website for all kinds of awesome new kinds of push-ups that you'll never do, as well as learn about super expensive shaving creams that apparently blow you while you're shaving!!
While it was a helluva article, there were a few comments in there that we at POPPORN just had to take umbrage with so we took the initiative to re-write the damn thing to tell the whole truth.
Hopefully, like most mainstream press, the good folks at Esquire decided to mis-quote the former Dirtiest Girl in Porn to make the article more dramatic. But, if those quotes were in fact apt- well then, we have no other point of recourse but to CHALLENGE TARYN THOMAS TO A DUEL!
READ ON THE CHECK OUT THE ARTICLE AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN...
Smut Snooki: 'No Limit' to War Over Jersey Shore Porno
by Shaaaan Cumminhand
Before the entire freakish phenomenon that is Jersey Shore had even reached the air, Spock BUCKTON wasn't even aware that MTV was still a channel: "I canceled my cable right after September 11th - who wants to watch that shit? So, when some doucher told me about this awful Jersey Shore show, I said - wow, that's stupid and then went back to smoking some weed and trying to get his girlfriend to give me a dry handjob... mission accomplished, by the way."
Come on: You saw the MTV show's adult spin-off coming a couple of turnpike exits away. Because whether it's the government crackdown on obscenity or the industry reaction to a glut of free amateur clips online, pornography has entered its golden age of parody. "Porn makes you cum," BUCKTON says. "And watching parodies make you angry while you're cumming. So... bonus!" And if The Hills, Glee, and Curb Your Enthusiasm are spoof-worthy, The Situation and his fellow guidos and guidettes should be a slam dunk, right?
THINK AGAIN FUCKERS!
Well, nothing's been easy for BUCKTON lately. A porn director is in many ways an athlete, and athletes get injuries. He had a gruesome one — "First fucking movie I wrote, directed and starred in, and James Deen fuckin' shot a load in my mouth?? Nuh-uh. FUCK YOU!" The experience took BUCKTON out of the game for 2 months and he gained a lot of weight - "I like chowin' on Nachos, you got a problem with that?" BUCKTON came back to find an industry with far fewer work opportunities, so he decided to do what he does best - smoke a bunch of weed and let his partner Brian Bangs book a bunch of movies for him while he was home grooving out to Saxon records. One day, after being hounded by their studio (Zero Tolerance) to write a TV show parody, they decided to take a crack at spoofing this Jersey Shore thing that all the fatties were talking about. Trouble was, BUCKTON had never seen the show, nor did he care to - "Um, I don't watch shit, so no, I've never seen the show" he said. "How hard can it be to write a script about a bunch of retards who don't talk right?" Adding to BUCKTON's problems, porn industry veteran Taryn Thomas would officially announce her own version of a Jersey Shore parody the day after Zero Tolerance announced theirs — and later claim she laid porno-claim to the show first.
"I have all the evidence to prove that they lied to me," Thomas says. "They said that they Googled it, and they did not Google it, because my stuff came up. People are gonna copy other people's ideas, and that's what it is."
"NO WAY, we did googled it!" BUCKTON replied. "We searched for "Jersey Shore Porn", "Jersey Shore Parody", "Jersey Shore Spoof" among others and all we got was a bunch of links to folks claiming they had vids of someone named Snooki getting fucked... no mention of any porn company making a Jersey Shore porno. So, as per the industry standard, we sent out a press release and then later found out she was planning to create a Jersey Shore parody. Whoops! Hell, we even called her up to make sure everything was kosher and there were no hard feelings. We're nice men... nice men with feelings," BUCKTON then paused to laugh. "Did Taryn have the idea first? She sure did! How do I know that? Because I have hidden cameras in her house! But in this biz, you gotta do a press release to lay claim to your unoriginal porno aspirations. So we did - that's that. Hell, we were planning a LOST parody until we got a press release from New Sensations announcing they were doing LOST... those fuckers!"
We've seen franchise duplication many times in Hollywood — witness the standoffs between Deep Impact and Armageddon or Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Observe and Report. But this is different. To paraphrase the Coen brothers' Miller's Crossing, porn has an ethics.
"It generally is an unspoken rule that you don't copy other people's stuff," Thomas says. "I think they thought, 'Oh, she's just a new company, she'll back down.' I didn't want to back down, because this movie means so much to me."
"This movie doesn't mean shit to me," BUCKTON rebutted. "I have stronger feelings towards my farts than I do to this flick. Zero Tolerance asked us to write and direct it, so we did, and we were happy to - we love those guys and if they wanted us to do a fuckin' parody of HEROES (the worst show ever) we would because we love them and we need the money. Seriously, my fucking gas just got shut off and the east coast is buried in snow, I'll do anything for a buck. She does have a point though - about the unspoken rule of not copying folks in porn. I mean, we wanted to shoot a MILF movie last month but then some fucker told me that some other guy already made a MILF movie!"
Thomas has a bit of beef with MTV's own version ("Some of the cast members had never even been to the Jersey Shore before," she says, without addressing the revelation that Snooki isn't Italian), but she's hoping the franchise sticks around long enough to build her own: "I want to do a total of four [movies], and then in between we're going to do Webisodes. There's so many things you can do around the show. I want to do clothing, condoms, dildos — there's really no limit. It's Jersey Shore. It's captured the hearts of so many people."
So, are BUCKTON and company planning future episodes of Jersey Shore? "God, I hope not," says BUCKTON - "although now that we know Taryn is, maybe we should - it's really funny watching her get so worked up about this that she has to spread lies about us in the press. Seriously though, no - we like writing original movies. I'll do parodies for the learning experience and the loads of money but every time I see my name on a parody a little part of my soul dies and I'm forced to pick fistfights with children to make myself feel better."
What could derail the juggernaut that is Jersey Shore? The usual candidate: celebrity. "I love the cast to death, but they're famous now — you can't take them back to the Shore," Taryn says. "Next time they get in a fight, it's going to be a big, huge legal battle."
And BUCKTON's thoughts on the matter - "I wish the cast weird diseases- the kind that eats your skin. Now THAT I'd watch!"
For now, Jersey Shore XXX and Official Jersey Shore are battling for the hearts and minds of viewers — they're available, and very much NSFW, here and here. But even if MTV's current smash goes the way of Liza & David (you know, when Liza Minnelli and David Gest wanted VH1 to document their love; wonder how those kids are doing), and takes down Taryn's dream with it, she'll always have the memories: "Shooting the movie was very emotional. It was a big deal for me — I finally got to do my porno on the Jersey Shore."
"Shooting this movie wasn't emotional at all for me," BUCKTON quipped in between bong-coughs. "Unless being hungover is an emotion."
So, the big question is - which one do you buy?
BUCKTON has the answer - "Well, ours has good looking people in it so if you like watching hot folks fuck then buy ours... Hold on, that's mean - the dudes in her version are pretty good looking."
THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS!