I’m going to start making a list of things people should buy me for Christmas and let you people know about every one of them. That way you can make all my dreams come true. Well, if you really want to make my dreams come true get me Jean Val Jean wrapped in a bow so I can do naughty things to him and keep him in my room. Anyways...

The winter is upon us and it’s time to start getting out all the jackets and sweaters. I came across the most delightful sweater the other day that would be perfect for my next family party. I always like to freak the family out a little bit, makes for a better party (they are used to my tattoos so I need something new). They probably would have no idea what I was wearing at first glance but eventually they would figure it out. But with me they expect this kind of behavior and probably wouldn’t even notice.

It’s not like I’m shopping in some gross x-rated store. I have expensive tastes and enjoy the finer things in life, which does include boxed wine. Agent Provocateur has some of the most beautiful lingerie and accessories out there. While browsing through their online store the other day I found the greatest sweater ever. The Sharon Cardigan is a mix of the softest cotton and silk cashmere. It also has pearl drop buttons to top of this classy sweater. It’s sure to make me the most looked at lady in any room. Oh, and did I also mention there are penises on it? Yes, you read that correctly, a sweater from Agent Provocateur with a penis pattern on it. Is that not the most brilliant thing ever!

And it doesn’t stop there. Perhaps I want to enjoy this lovely pattern in the summer time. I can with their Sharon Top, perfect for that afternoon BBQ with the neighborhood kids. The Sharon Brief is a great way to bring a penis to my vagina in a safe way. These panties are so adorable and look so comfortable. Plus, the embroidered penis pattern on the back looks homemade; I’m going to say my grandmother made them. I could wear all three at the same time for the ultimate set!

Dude I’m not even kidding, someone needs to buy me these things! I will give you an autographed naked photo of me if you do, I’m not kidding. These are so awesome. And the fact that a reputable company like Agent Provocateur is making them is even better. It’s OK to wear pictures of penises on clothes people, but it must be done in a classy way. SOMEONE GET ME THE CLASSY PENIS SWEATER!

ASS-UME THE POSITION

SUPERSTAR MILFS