God damn it.

Look. I guess I’m missing something here, because this just doesn’t make sense to me. If you spend any time on this site reading any of the material that doesn’t accompany videos or photo essays...well, first of all I apologize to have subjected you to so many of my stoned rants about nothing in particular, and secondly, ou’ve most likely heard my bitching about the abundance, perhaps even overabundance of porno spoofs hitting the market. They’re freaking everywhere! And, yes, I understand why that is. I understand that they’re big-time moneymakers. I understand that people like watching them. As a member of what may be the first American generation raised almost exclusively by television, I can see the appeal here. I even personally enjoy whacking off to a lot of them, and some of them are even pretty good during the non-sex parts. The Happy Days one was the fuckin’ shit. I’m just a little bit bored with the trend.

And honestly…the thing that’s still bothering me…and yes, I’ve mentioned this several times before…WHEN IS SOMEONE GOING TO DO A FUCKING ALF SPOOF?"

What’s it gonna fucking take? WKRP in fuckin’ Cincinatti can get spoofed but not ALF? What the shit is wrong with the world? Are you really telling me that Axel Braun doesn't have some deeply-hidden love for Gordon Schumway and his ilk? Im-fuckin-possible.

Am I seriously the only one out there who wants to see this? Come on! Just imagine that little wisecrackin’ motherfucker sticking his furry wang into Kylie Ireland (who would most likely play the mom, if I had any say in it)! Picture that scene in your head and tell me you’re not laughing your fucking balls off. It’s instant comedy gold. Instant. Any studio that would dare take on such a project is fucking guaranteed to make at least one hundred billion dollars on the project (unless my sense of reality is slightly warped, but what are the odds of that).

It just doesn’t add up. I’m having trouble even thinking of other shows that haven’t been spoofed to high-heaven yet. It seems that every goddamn property the boob-tube ever possessed has been transformed into a fuck flick in one sense or another, so what the fuck is holding up ALF? Is it the costume? No one knows how to make one of those things? Or it would cost too much? Or they think it would be gross to watch a Melmacian bang a human up the bunghole? Would getting nailed by ALF be tantamount to bestiality? Is that the thing?

Please tell me why no one will take this project on. Seriously. I’m dying here.

Since we're busy making our own awesome porno comedy right now, I'm calling upon Hustler or New Sensations to make this happen. Come ON.

ALF: SEASON TWO