By now it's pretty likely that most of you know about Marge Simpson's upcoming Playboy feature. TV's awesomest mom will be gracing the cover of the once-scandalous, now-somewhat-geriatric periodical. The idea is to resonate with a much younger group of James Caan wannabes than the current audience, as the demographic the magazine currently caters to (pre-World War II veterans) has been losing much of their eyesight (as well as reading and breathing abilities) of late. It's no secret that Playboy's been hurting financially (and has just downright sucked for any reader above the age of 12 or under the age of 60), so this is a clear attempt to groove out to some younger readers.

Will it work? Who the fuck knows (or cares)? All I'm thinking about is this hot-to-trot Marge pictorial! Sadly for all of us simpsofficionados out there, the pictorial will be of a more tasteful nature. Thus, it will be more suggestive than smutty (no beave, certainly no pink, and probably not even a fuckin' zoobe), but probably still pretty funny.

Of course, it's total bullshit. They showed Bart's fucking wang in the movie? Where's the justice?

What this really gets me thinking about, though, is a question that come up recently around the POPPORN offices: given the choice, which Simpsons character would you enjoy a no-holds-barred bangin' session with? I'd be lying if I said I hadn't imagined sexually imaginative scenarios with 95% of the cast (including a particularly fucked-up scenario involving me and Bumblebee Man double-anallin' the fuck out of Kirk Van Houten's short-term girlfriend Starla), but in the interest of restraint, I will narrow my list down to the top 5.

And here we go:

Number 5. Lurleen Lumpkin.

Homer had the chance and walked away, leaving a heartbroken mess. That's where I'd step in! I see the two us settling down for a cozy dinner in Lurleen's trailer (comprised of multiple Krusty Burgers, and order of twisty lard and lots and lots of Fudd). As twilight fades into evening, the Fudd starts getting to our heads and Lurleen suggests I relax on the bed while she croons-out a few tender country ballads like "Apartment #9" and "If I Could Only Win Your Love". She leans in for a playful peck on the forehead, purposely offering a clear glimpse of her mega-sized, somewhat perfect zoobs. She breaks down and starts blubbering about the love of her life that wouldn't leave his wife to be with her. I comfort her, hug her and drink a lot more booze, as does she. One thing leads to another and we're both drunk enough to be pounding away on the trailer floor, hoping the oncoming tornado is enough to drown out our screams of passion. She's thinking of her fat-as-fuck ex-manager. I don't care, on account of I'm balls deep in her bung!

Number 4. Lindsey Naegle.

Hey, she's single, a master of efficiency, and a pretty goddamn fierce panther in the sack. Lindsey's the type of babe who will invite you back to her swanky center-city condominium before she's even finished drinking the first cosmopolitan you offerred to buy for her (but she ended up buying her own because you can't afford the high-end shit she drinks). She's got no interest in you, your opinions, your jokes or your history. She just wants to get down, consistently and thorough. She's a totally proactive paradigm. The kind of no-nonsense lady who'd demanding that you fuck her tight ass one minute and calling you a cab the next (plus, she's paying for the cab. Bonus!). The only downside to a night of high-octane screwin' with Ms. Naegle is that once she's done with you, she's fuckin' done. So make sure you really enjoy yourself the first time around.

Number 3. Miss Hoover.

As a co-worker said to me when this conversation came up a few weeks back, "I just assume Miss Hoover's gotta be a freak". Don't know if I share his assumption, but shit, why don't we grab a few magnums of Champale, pick up a few bottles of lube, tie some restarints to the bed, and just find out for ourselves? If nothing else, we'll have a perfectly cromulent night of no-strings-attached lovemaking. In the bunghole, no less!

Number 2. Duffman.

Hey, who said this list had to be all chicks? Frankly, I'd take a shot in the rump from this dude simply to hear the hilarious catch phrases he shouts out in the midst of lovemaking. Plus, he'd probably get me a shit-ton of free booze if I sucked him off!

Number 1. Edna Krabappel.

Obvious choice, I know, but shit...she's a legend. She's been around, she fucked Aerosmith's Joey Kramer in the parking lot of Moe's Tavern and you fuckin' goddamn know she's down for just about anything you can imagine. Anal? ATM? Swallowing? Bondage? DP? Fuck, Enda's seen it all, done it all, and is constantly on the lookout for the next frontier in fuckmaking. This girl fucking parties, man.

Also, I'd totally love to bang the fuck out of Debbie Pinson. Who wouldn't? She's Debbie Pinson!

THE SIMPSONS: THE COMPLETE TWELFTH SEASON