It’s surprisingly difficult to maintain a hard-on while under the influence of heavy doses of Ketamine and cough syrup. This was one thing that I learned during the last couple weeks as I underwent one of my jerk off experiments. See, I’d been trying to pump as much cum as possible out of my sack while watching reruns of “One Day at a Time” and listening to “California Dreaming.” But drugs (or weary wrists) were keeping me from the full effects of my incest-filled fantasies of Mackenzie and John Phillips. Not even screaming out, “That’s right sweetheart, give Daddy that good pussy!” seemed to help. But, I was stuck in that middle plane of jerkoffus-interuptus (an extremely frustrating place to find yourself) so I decided to switch it up. I went to the kitchen to find a different lube (Canola oil just wasn’t cutting it for some reason, so I switched to Grapeseed) and went on the interwebs to find some fresh torture porn to get Mr. Happy back to tip top, fully-engorged form. Now, for some reason I saw a headline on philly.com that caught my eye:
Now, mid-state of self-abuse or not, I had to read that shit. Turns out, and you may already know this since it happened a few weeks ago, softcore superstar Felicia Tang (star of countless DVDs for the now-defunct Peach DVD, as well as a bunch of other “hot girl stripping for the camera” classics) had herself a boyfriend. And that boyfriend was a minister. And he was also a mime. And, oh yeah, apparently he (allegedly) tortured her to death.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “That sick fuck Stanko finally had his wank fodder.” Now, I see why you’d think that. There’s nothing I like more than watching a hot girl get whipped or spanked or sexually tortured on video. But, that shit’s all fake…or secretly consensual. This shit was real. A hot chick who I’d spanked it to numerous times and was a saintly enough hottie to repeatedly share the sight of her hot Asian boobs and sweet Asian snatch with the world was dead…at the hands of a mime. My semi, by this time, had shriveled down to post-swimming-in-the-ocean levels of shrinkitude. And I was sad and pissed. I mean, yeah, she probably should’ve known better. Adult performers, in general, should probably avoid dating self-identified ministers. And human beings, in general, should definitely avoid dating mimes. And all creatures, both living and mechanical, should avoid any kind of sexual contact whatsoever with ministers/mimes/ex-reality-show-contestants (that’s right, dude used to be on some crap failed reality show on Fox or something). But, still it was really sad and horrible even for a relentless scumbag like myself. I’m not sure why I related this little anecdote of failed ejaculation to you, but maybe, just maybe, I’m trying to learn ya something.
1. Brutally torturing women is only cool when it is simulated in exploitation films or secretly consensual in fetish videos (let’s face it, it’s not hot when it’s overtly consensual in the fetish videos)
2. We should kill all the mimes. No, I’m not going to make any jokes about how he’s gonna be “trapped in the box” – we should just kill them all. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friendly neighborhood perv.