Man, I can't get enough of these sexual revenge stories!
A few days ago, there was that hubbub about the dude who got his nuts toasted in Greece, and before that we had the thing about the Russian lady who blew her boyfriend's ween off with firecrackers. Well, I've found another one of these wild tales of sexual justice, and fuck man, I'm just gonna have to share it with you. You're as amused by these types of stories as I am, right? Boy, I sure hope so. If you're not, you should totally click here and watch the bitch-ass awesome trailer for Fantastic Mr. Fox, while I'm busy grooving out on my story. We can meet up afterward. If you can't get down with that...well, I don't know if this relationship is going to work out.
Anyway, these three ladies totally beat the fuck out of a dude in Wisconsin and krazy-glued his peen to his belly!
Here's the thing. The gentleman in question had taken an oath of matrimony (and it looks like monogamy, while we're at it) with a woman. And he seems to have been...well, perhaps not the absolute most fatihful and, you know, monogamous gentleman in that regard. So instead of sitting back and taking it, his wife invited the "36-yeard-old Lothario" (as he was described, totally objectively, in the Chicago Tribune) to a local hotel room, with promises of a "rub down". Once he was in the room, he was tied up and blindfolded. Things were looking good for the sadly-unnamed lothario. But he didn't know that his triumvirate of pissed-off lovers was waiting nearby, and in cahoots with his sort of pissed off wife as well. These were some seriously mad women...mad women, get it?
Yeah, he was grooving out on long-term relationships with three different chicks, and then married to another. The wife found out about it and contacted the other three ladies. So, according to the reports, they threatened him with mace, beat the fuck out of him, and then, you know...krazy-glued his peen to his belly.
It's pretty bold, as far as revenges go and, you know, no one could deny that getting your dickhead glued anywhere on your own body's gotta be rough, There's no way it couldn't be extrememly painful. So if these ladies were after revenge, this was a damn fine way to do it. But I gotta wonder...if they really wanted to hurt the guy...why didn't they find a way to glue it to his head, or to the wall or something? Or maybe tattoo the words "bitch-ass sucka" to his wang? And then maybe take pictures of him and write funny captions and stuff? Then maybe poo in the room next to him, but leave the door open and don't flush it so he has no choice but to just sit there and groove on it? Wouldn't that suck? For real?
I'm just saying, I know revenge, and if you really, really want to 'venge up some shit-ass tricksta, you should do it right. You gotta shoot for thrills. Max the envelope. Hyperextend. You know what I mean here? I'm saying, as far as crazy revenge stories go, this one's pretty good. But hey, you're competing with balls getting blasted by Sambuca-flame and firecrackered scrotums and shit. If you wanna get noticed, you gotta really be hard. How the fuck are you gonna keep up with all the crazy sexual revenge stories coming out of Russia if you don't go for the gusto, you know?
I don't mean to be so harsh, but the game is the game. You play or you get played. The maniacal revengers of America are really gonna have to sit down and think about what they really hope to achieve with these stunts, and whether or not they've got what it takes to make it happen.
Don't feel bad. I mean this as a pep talk, not a reprimand. Let's see some hustle. That's all I'm saying.
That some some damn serious revenge you pulled off. Don't think it wasn't.
I just know you can do more.