SMUT: THE MUSICAL


Man, musical theatre doesn't know when to fucking quit, you know what I mean? It was bad enough that they musicalled-up Grey Gardens. I mean, I never watched the movie (too boring), but it was from the same dudes who made that boss Rolling Stones documentary, so I bet it fuckin' rules, and turning it into some shitty musical is a big steaming load of bull-shit, you know? It's just plain wrong, and now, to make matters worse, the world of musical theatre is setting it's sights on something near and dear to all of us: Spider-Man!

Oh, and I think they're making some musical about the porno industry, which is actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

Two experimental (i.e. untalented) theatre groups known as The Civilians and Los Angeles’ Center Theatre Group are looking for folks who have a story to tell about the adult entertainment (i.e. fuckmaking) industry. The idea is to get a "real person's" view of the porno world. They'll do a plethora of interviews, chop it down into a workable plot and then add a bunch of shitty songs to it (I assume). No offense to the producers and creators of this play, but I just find that pretty much all musical theatre is unbearble (with A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum being a notable exception). Besides, I think Studs Terkel might have already pulled this "interviewing the common man" stunt off when he wrote Working, but Studs, being the tame old gent that he was steered clear of the porno biz, so I guess this shit's fair game.

“The creative team will go behind the scenes and learn about the human side of this business, looking at the work and lives of directors, performers, producers, crew—everyone with a story to tell,” reads a blog from the producers of the show. They've already gotten interviews with folks like Eli Cross, John Stagliano and Nina Hartley, but of course, they're looking for more people. You can contact them through their blog if you've got something you think they could use, or you can hit up a few of the playmakers on twitter. They go by the names @stevecosson (he's the articistic director) and @pornmusical, so send them one of those DMs or something if you think you have a story to tell.

Frankly, it's kind of a slap in the face that they haven't yet contacted POPPORN. We have lots of stories to tell. We've worked in all kids of different facets of this industry, from fandom to retail to production and everywhere in between. Shit, even if we don't have anything worthwhile from our own lives, lord knows we're good at making shit up. We could fabricate a great story about the time BUCKTON, Stanko and Mr. Pete stole a cop car and went on a vigilante rampage through the mean streets of NYC, taking down three of New York's biggest gangs in one weekend. They earned accolades from the press and the citizens, as well as being granted a key to the city from none other than Lou Reed himself! Sure, it never happened, but that shit doesn't matter. It would look fucking great on stage!

Ah, good stuff. Check out TheCivilians.org for more info.

Also, getting back to the thing I mentioned at the beginning, the Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is actually in the works on Broadway. Everything I've heard about it is leading me to believe it's gonna be fairly-to-incredibly god-damn awful. It's being directed by Julie Taylor, it's got songs by Bono and The Edge of U2 (who have sucked ass ever since Achtung Baby), and Alan motherfucking Cumming is playing Norman Osborn. God help us all.


MISTY BEETHOVEN: THE MUSICAL


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